Jul
30
I love looking at That Baby. I love the chubby babyness of her little legs and arms. I love the way her nose crinkles when she smiles. I love her little squidgy toes. I love the big, round, deep, dark pools of her eyes. I love the strong little chin that juts out and just screams “stubborn”. I love the freckles and beauty marks that we’ve come to know so well.
I am enchanted by the individual parts that make a gorgeous, sweet whole.
And yet…
There are times when I am surprised by what I see. Like, when I am looking at her while we are rocking at naptime. I’m gazing into her eyes. She’s blissfully moving towards sleep, bottle of milk in one hand, blankie in the other.
I look at her, and suddenly I see her eyes transform. Become more distinct in their almond shape. She looks at me, and I see the eyes of the generations upon generations that have come before her. I see the eyes of so many women I have met.
And it hits me, a wave of shock and fear and betrayal:
“OH. MY. GOD.
YOU.. are going to become… A TEENAGER!
A teenaged GIRL!!”
Jul
29
Finally, at long last… two of my favourite people in all Teh Internets, not to mention IRL, Rana and Yvan, got their referral yesterday!
Go give them your warmest congratulations and your biggest virtual hugs! If any two people deserve it, after such a long wait, it’s these two.
(And you thought I was slacking off and not posting, while actually I’ve been sitting on this news all day!!)
Jul
27
It has been raining a lot here this summer, as it has in many places across the country from what I gather. The rain makes it hard to get motivated to do anything. It’s dark, and overcast, and the gloomy light makes it very tempting to just curl up under the covers and go back to sleep for a day or ten.
But we can’t, because of That Baby over there. *points*
It’s not easy for her either. She’s used to going for walks outside and getting some fresh air and diversion in the course of a day. And recently, I have strained the muscles in my shoulder or neck, or pinched a nerve or something, which makes the use of my left arm a painful proposition — so where I would normally get up and dance around with her, or play ball with her, or just roughhouse around on the floor, I can’t do any of those things with her very much. So she’s been a bit of a couch potato, with endless DVDs on to entertain her.
And she’s bored.
I don’t know any other stay at home moms locally with whom I could arrange play dates or the like — at least if there were other kids to play with or other places to go, being inside would not be so bad. Stinkerbelle’s only just starting to get to the age where playing with other kids is interesting to her, but she likes to be around other kids. Mostly right now she just sits and shouts excitedly at them. Or gets WAY too far into their personal space. But it would be nice for her.
And me — well, I’m not the sort of person that does well with the whole neighbourhood chatty mom thing. Around here, it seems to be a lot of the “Oh, hi, aren’t little Kaitlyn/Katelyn/Katelynn/Caitlyn/Caitlin/Emma/Emily/Emmalee/Emmaleigh and Aiden/Caden/Brayden/Jaden/Jackson/Jaxon/Jaxxon ADORABLE! I LOVE your stroller! Is that a Chariot? It fits great in a Ford Subdivision, doesn’t it? Aren’t Ford Subdivisions GREAT? We have TWO!!” kind of thing. There’s some money, there’s conspicuous consumption, and there seems to be a lot of talk about it. And we have neither the money NOR the conspicuous consumption, which would make our chats run more along the lines of “Oh hai…” as I tried to shove our ratty Kijiji-bargain stroller — which, of course, does NOT fit into the trunk of my rusting 12-year-old beater car — behind my back.
(Note: If we had buckets of money, rest assured I would be THE QUEEN of conspicuous consumption. I mean, I would buy EVERYTHING. AND another one in BLUE. And then? I would talk about it ALL. THE. FRICKING. TIME. So, you know, if someone out there wants to give us lots of money, I would TOTALLY rock that. I’m just sayin’.)
Plus, our house is fairly tiny, and all vertical spaces instead of horizontal spacious rooms — so inviting a group of kids and parents over here to play is not going to happen. Our playroom, containing toys, a TV, and a chair, and our kitchen are both fairly small, and comfortably would hold maybe another mom and a couple of kids — provided we took shifts on the chair. So playgroups will not be happening at this house anytime soon.
So it’s just the two of us. And we’re getting tired of the rain.
The constant threat of rain in the forecast has really dampened my enthusiasm for going out. Right now, it’s bright and sunny, but the forecast is partly sunny, with increasing cloudiness and calls for the possibility of rain. So, does that mean if I start out on a walk with That Baby, the clouds will roll in as we’re walking, and we’ll get an hour from the house and suddenly get rained on? If it were 25 degrees out, the rain would at least be warm. But when it’s 16 degrees, the rain will be cool, and That Baby getting a chill is NOT my idea of a good time.
Because being stuck indoors with a baby with a cold is SO. MUCH. FUN. Um, I’m hedging my bets, thankyouverymuch.
And also, with the constant damp, I have to ask — Is there anyone else out there who is totally fricking paranoid about the mosquitoes and West Nile virus? No? It’s just me, then? Damn. Oh well.
There are things I actually quite like about the rain, though. For example, it’s not stiflingly hot and humid like it is most summers. It’s still humid, so we are still running our A/C bytimes, but we can set it much higher and save ourselves money compared to much summers. Also, I don’t have to water my garden. And if we were at a cottage, it would actually be quite restful.
But we are not. We are in our tiny house in the middle of Suburbiaville. And the rain is bumming me out.
Jul
23
I have been trying, over the past week or two, to switch up That Baby’s nap schedule.
Previously, she was napping — or rather, catnapping — for a short 45 minutes or so in the morning and in the afternoon. That didn’t work for either of us. The morning nap wasn’t long enough for me to get anything done, and the afternoon nap wasn’t long enough for her to feel rested and not wake up in a frenzy of tears and recriminations.
Then, we tried a longer morning nap. That went well, except for the fact that she would wake up after 45 minutes and then need to be rocked while she snoozed for another 45 minutes or so — and that didn’t work for me. She was rested, but by about 4 in the afternoon she began to drag, and was positively beside herself with the tired by 6 pm.
So now, we have switched to a long nap, right after lunch. This one? Seems to be a good one. We play hard in the morning, or go for walks, or run errands, and by lunch time she is ready for a snooze. Some days Stinkerbelle will nap for two hours or more, which means I will get two hours of time to do stuff around the house, or work, or even just get a shower and lunch. And she generally wakes up rested and happy.
I am loving this nap.
One of the things I can do now, with two hours of time, is get a household routine back. I can get some cleaning done. Or I can do some laundry. Maybe I can even sit down and actually get some paid work done. But whatever I do, it means we are happier around here. And that is really nice.
We are a family that does well on routine. And with routine comes organization. And with organization comes a neater, cleaner environment. And with a neater environment comes more calm and relaxed me. And a more calm, relaxed me means a more rested me.
With this, I am finding I actually have time to think about taking on some projects around the house. Nothing monumental, mind you, but if I am not stressing about getting things done around here, I actually have time to get things done around here. I can breathe and take stock of things. I can look at things more objectively and say, “Okay. X need to be washed/sewn/mended/cleaned/painted.” Or, as is often the case, I can look at things and say, “OHMYGOD would you LOOK at the CAT HAIR on these CURTAINS” and actually plan to get them into the wash.
And I can actually see that there might be some time in which I can get up on a footstool, take down the curtain rod, bundle up the curtains, and throw them in the wash.
I know. CRAZY TALK.
But it’s true. There may be time, and by doG I am going to use it. I am starting to set up small projects around here. Or, at the very least, identify projects to be done. Perhaps, given a few moments, even make a bit of a dent in one or two.
I LIKE when life goes like that. I ENJOY thinking, “THAT has to be done” and actually thinking there might be some time to do it.
But not only does it mean I can get cleaning done around here, but I can start to think about bigger projects as well. There are a lot of rooms that need painting. And some require a date with some Polyfilla before that. There are closets that need to be gone through and sorted. There are cupboards that need reorganizing. There is a garage full of stuff that needs to be cleaned out. And there’s a yard and gardens that are just crying out for some attention.
But there are personal projects too.
Right now, I am doing a lot of knitting. Although knitting is a leisure time activity, one of my potential projects is to knit a blanket for BDH, since he has been admiring the baby blankets I have been knitting and was thinking he might want one for himself. And this potentially helps clean out my closets of all the yarn I have been storehousing for — wait for it — when I can start a new big knitting project.
Now, one of the issues I have is that I am an endless project starter. I start projects with energy and enthusiasm and vision.
And then I abandon them.
(Sidebar: Some say it is because I am a Sagittarius. But BDH is the same, possibly even more of a project starter than I am, and he’s, what, a Libra or something? So there goes THAT theory. Plus I don’t take a lot of stock in that stuff. But whatever.)
But I am getting better, as I get older. Plus, the clutter of endless abandoned projects and shiny bright ideas has come home to roost. More specifically, the roost is pretty damned cluttered with these damned unfinished projects. So I am learning that perhaps projects on a smaller scale — like setting aside a couple of hours and washing the curtains, for example — are probably more achievable. I get more done this way.
So that is what the liberation of a long Stinkerbelle nap has done. It has given me an hour or two to get things done. An hour or two of precious, productive time.
Now let’s hope that we can keep this routine for a little while.
Jul
22
It’s been one of those weeks around here. One of those weeks where I have been mostly offline. But that doesn’t mean things have not been happening.
Part of the reason has been the bankruptcy debacle of last week. Because we’ve been part of the adoption community for so long, for whatever reason the news of the bankruptcy really affected us. It was weird. Our adoption was completed almost a year ago, and yet it still upset us. We had all sorts of emotions over the situation:
- We were angry at the principals.
- We were devastated for the children and caregivers.
- We were sad for the families involved.
- We spent a bit of time coming to terms with the idea that this may really, definitively close the door on a potential future adoption in our family.
- BDH experienced his first exposure to the international adoption haters, those ignorant, twisted freaks commenting on news stories.
- And I just found myself reading far too much news, adoption or otherwise, online, and it was bumming me out.
I tend to get caught up in the churn of emotions in these sorts of things. And reading other news on top of that? It just bummed me out.
I’ve also been offline to do things in my real life:
- Errands needed to be run, like trips to the grocery store and finding a hairdresser for That Baby. That last one is still up in the air; there seems to be a dearth of hairdressers who know how to deal with African hair in this city of 100,000.
- Chores needed to be done. And, mostly, they still do.
- I walked a lot with That Baby — and, if my stinking cellphone would actually do things that it is supposed to, I’d have photos to show you of Stinkerbelle on the swings on one of those walks.
- I went to the dentist. Just a cleaning, but hey. Nobody likes the dentist.
- And — two of the nicest things of all — I have been doing a lot of knitting and watching How I Met Your Mother and old episodes of Mythbusters. Fun, entertaining, distracting, mindless.
So, what else of note has happened recently? Well, there have been physical injuries:
- Stinkerbelle head-butted me on the bridge of the nose so hard I saw stars and had a headache for days. Her eye socket was mostly unaffected.
- I have been taking super-mega-Advil a lot for the headache pain, which causes me to sleep deeply. And, since I wear a CPAP face mask, this means I have been sleeping in all sorts of contorted positions, and consequently have a crick in my neck so bad I can’t turn my head or lift Stinkerbelle up without doing that old lady sucking-air-through-the-teeth noise to indicate pain.
- And most serious of all… Stinkerbelle’s Auntie Tena took a nasty spill off her bike, banging her head on a train rail and ending up in emergency. She now sports a bunch of stitches and a shiner that Rocky Balboa would envy.
So… that has sucked.
We’ve also had some interesting diversions:
- Trying to keep Zippy the groundhog out of our vegetable patch. We love him, but there are limits to the hospitality which we are prepared to offer.
- Playing ball with That Baby, who loves few things more than to play with The Big Multicoloured Ball. Well, except for…
- Dancing, which is always good.
- Wondering exactly when the battery on my laptop will completely die, and in the meantime, watching it die a slow, madly-flashing death.
- Teaching Stinkerbelle NOT to lick the television.
- Coming up with inventive ways to stretch out ever-dwindling cash to get the most bang for our buck, grocery- and entertainment-wise.
So, yes. Been offline a fair bit. Life has been full.
Jul
15
Dear CTV, CBC, and other news organizations:
I see you.
Yes, I see you in my stat reports, clickity-clicking around my blog, looking for bits of information on this whole Imagine Adoption going bankrupt fiasco. I see you, nosing about for all the news that is the news. I see you, scratching and pecking about like chickens in the barnyard for kernels of info.
Well, I am here to tell you — there is no news here! (Well, unless you count That Baby discovering the wonder that is The Big Multicoloured Ball. Now THERE is some EXCITEMENT. But hardly 6 o’clock-worthy.)
Oh, and CBC? Even if there WERE news, even if I were the FONT OF ALL INSIDE SCOOP on Imagine Adoption, I would TOTALLY not tell YOU. For YOU, CBC, are on my shit list for your assoholic reporting of international adoption. Like, “Buying Babies”, for example. (Yeah, I am looking at YOU, CBC Manitoba.) Or that shitty piece you did on CAFAC. YOU, CBC, are in the penalty box. We’re talking GAME MISCONDUCT, here.
The rest of you? We love. But still? No news.
And while we appreciate you embracing technology to find this news, there’s a lot to be said for good, old-fashioned news gathering. Instead of hunting around blogs, which are just people blathering on about their lives, why not, oh, I dunno, CALL THE BOARD OF IMAGINE AND ASK WHAT THEY POSSIBLY NEEDED TO BUY AT PETSMART. OR CAMBRIDGE POOL SUPPLIES. Sheesh.
Now go do something useful. Help resolve this situation. Help these children and their caregivers get taken care of. Help these families be united. Help these families find some peace.
Go. Use your powers for GOOD. NOT evil.
Love,
Me.
(Oh, and PS — Global News? Saying people paid for children? In an adoption story? This is why you are the third-rate network. Just sayin’.)
Jul
14
I was trying to maintain a little bit of radio silence here today.
By now, many of you already know that That Agency has gone bankrupt, stranding 60 or so children and their caregivers in Ethiopia (and kids and staff in Ghana and Ecuador as well) with dwindling food and supplies, not to mention money, and causing many adoptive families in Canada more grief than they should have to experience in a lifetime.
I just didn’t think it was appropriate to post about my life with my child, home and safe in my arms, when so many out there are struggling to find a way to bring their children home, or wondering what will happen to the child they were waiting to become legally theirs, or coping with the devastating loss of a dream of a family. It’s not fair. And it would be ridiculously insensitive .
I also didn’t think it appropriate to bring my opinions to bear on the matter. I am emotional, I am angry, I am concerned, and I am hurting for everyone involved. But not nearly as much as those in the centre of the storm. And they don’t need my ill-informed, bellicose ranting to add to their pain. And I know there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can say to ease it. No amount of “I’m sorry” will fix this.
But most of all, I think of the 60 or so children whose lives have been changed, and in some cases devastated, by this. I have seen the babies and the toddlers. I cannot forget looking at them and thinking that each and every one was so well loved by their caregivers, and would without question become part of a family that would love and cherish them. After who knows what happened to them in their little lives, they were going to be taken care of forever after. And now, that is not necessarily the case. Their futures are now clouded and uncertain. I can’t bear the thought that any single one of them might not be welcomed into loving family and a happy, healthy future.
There but for the grace of God goes That Baby. That Baby, who is my life, and my miracle, and my joy. That Baby, who I love more than life itself.
I can’t stand it.
I’ll post about it when I can think of something useful, something helpful to say. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe there will be nothing useful I can say.
In the meantime, please bear all of That Agency’s families in your thoughts and in your prayers, if you are the praying sort. They need positive energy, they need answers, they need time, they need healing. They need their hopes renewed, their hearts mended, and their families completed. They need all our support.
And hold those children and their devoted caregivers in your thoughts and prayers. No doubt, there’s no need to tell you why.
Jul
13
Aaaaand… we’re back.
Two weeks of summer vacation has flown by like *snaps fingers* THAT. We’re just as tired as before we started our vacation, but BDH is considerably less stressed, so that is good.
Rather than the traditional “how I spent my summer vacation” essay (which, by the way, won me a speech contest in grade 3!) I will sum up. (But you know, if I wanted to, I could totally bring it. I mean, HELLO, speech contest winner here! *points at self*)
- We did not go to New England. We had hoped for a real, actual vacation this year — in our 12-plus years together, BDH and I have never taken a vacation together — but unfortunately, what with taxes and physio and car repairs and whatever else, we did not have the money. But we did decide to spend our time in Nova Scotia with BDH’s parents, which was still a lovely, relaxing option. And BDH’s family are always such gracious hosts.
- We drove straight through to NS and straight home overnight. That’s 18 hours straight driving each way. The rationale, as with many families doing a long drive, is so that your child can sleep through most of the trip, lessening the boredom for them and the noise and stress for you. And I have to say, it is not a bad way to go, although it does take a few days to recover. However…
- That Baby does not like to sleep on long road trips. We set off just after bedtime on our trip, and she was fed and in her jammies, and she dozed off instantly. And then she woke up 45 minutes later and was awake until midnight. She didn’t complain, or fuss, or anything. She just sat there calmly, wide awake, looking out the windows and stuff. There was just too much to see and things were too exciting, I think. And then, when she couldn’t fight sleep any more, she cried just the tiniest bit and then went to sleep.
- The weather was depressingly cold and rainy the entire vacation. We had hoped for warm sunny weather to swim and sit out by the pool and drink wine on the deck. Instead we got two weeks of cold and rain and mosquitoes. It finally got warm and sunny as we crossed the NS border into New Brunswick on our way home. The good news? It was also rainy and cool here too, so we didn’t miss anything. AND my gardens got lots of rain. AND we learned about some magical bug repellent lantern thingies, which we will buy MANY of so we can sit out on our patio here at home.
- Vacation with a very small child is basically like taking an average weekend day and transporting it somewhere else. You have to take care of your child exactly the same as you would on your average weekend. All day long, all night long, sticking to routines, keeping them entertained… So in that respect, it’s actually quite nice to spend your vacation with family, because you are at a familiar home with toys and carseats and other baby paraphernalia around, and if you want to take a nap or run to the store or something there’s always someone happy to mind the child for an hour or so. And that is nice.
- Our best vacation days were spent simply. We watched our nephew Joe play a baseball double-header one afternoon. We had a couple of nice dinners out. We sat out and chatted on the deck. We visited with relatives on Canada Day. We ate barbequed everything. Most excellent.
So, yeah. Summer vacation is over for another year. Fortunately for me, as a stay-at-home mom, I get to get out and enjoy a lot more summer days than BDH, so for me, it doesn’t feel like it is over as much as it does for BDH, who returned to work today. In that, I am fortunate.
Although, it sure does make me want to get a barbeque… and a pool… But not without bug lanterns.
