When do you feel prepared to be a parent? Because occasionally it comes over me: a feeling of panic when I realize there is yet one more thing I don’t know about being a parent.

I really don’t know if I am going to know what the hell I am doing when we finally have Mystery Baby Girl and we are on our own. And I know, all parents go through it. And I know, all parents learn as they go. But here’s the thing: most parents aren’t plopped into parenthood of a 6-ish-month-old who already has some routines, and maybe eats more than just formula, and maybe already has teeth starting to poke through…

When you have a brand-spanking-newborn, you have a blank slate. And as far as the technical specs go, they all pretty much work the same for the first little bit. But then they start GROWING and CHANGING and ADDING BITS AND PIECES ON like teeth and hair and stuff, and then pretty soon you’ve got that many more things to deal with… And then they start MOVING and TALKING and…

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! ***boom!*** (head explodes in panic)

I think I’d be better at this if my mom was around. She was all about the babies, man. She came from a large family, she wanted lots of kids, and I think she’d have been all over Mystery Baby Girl like wrapping paper on a prezzie. If things started going a bit haywire, I could have sent out the SOS. Maybe even just handed the baby off to Grandma and then crawled off into a corner to rock and weep.

At the very least, she could have pointed and given instructions. “Do this.” “She wants that.” It goes like THIS…”

But as it stands… it’s going to be us. Learning to do something new. Like riding a bike. Only we’ve got no training wheels. And like any kid who rides a bike without training wheels the first time… there’s going to be a few crashes. The odd scrape and bruise. Possibly, although it’s unlikely, I could even end up crashing arse over teakettle into the Harvies’ shrubbery again.

I am only just now realizing that there’s just so much I DON’T know. I’m trying to recall the stuff I knew when I, you know, HUNG OUT with assorted nieces and other babies over the years. And reading stuff. Books, websites, boards, stuff like that. And the more I read, the more I realize how little I know.

Do I need to start making lists? “Feed her X.” “If she cries it’s either A, B, or C.” “This is how you X”.

Sure. That’s what I need. My walls plastered in sticky notes. That’ll be GREAT. Not only a mess, but in a few months’ time (when the sticky part isn’t so sticky anymore), a choking hazard. Splendid.

I always imagined I’d just somehow transition nicely into motherhood like some TV Movie of the Week, where I swan in, hair immaculate, pick up a cooing baby, and it’s all happily ever after. But I have a feeling it’s going to be more like the late night horror movie, where I am running around the room, frantic, hair looking like it was just brushed with an egg beater, and the baby’s got a diaper held on with a belt made of duct tape.

Good doG, I hope she’s a patient baby.

Okay, so maybe I went a little over budget at grocery shopping last week. Just a little.

(click to embiggen)

Well, who could resist? They were on sale at the grocery store for $5 apiece. And they’re “joe” clothes. I love the “joe” stuff.

My fave is the red onesie with the Canadian baby bottle on it. Although the rattle is cute too. BDH is partial to the “i heart canada” ones.

So now we have something to put Mystery Baby Girl in when we are in Addis. Baby’s first photo op!

(And for a few years after, too — I bought about 10 onesies and/or t-shirts, all the way up to size 3.)

One thing that’s unusual about the adoption process these days — as opposed to years past — is that many, many adoptive parents communicate online. And so you find yourself reading websites and online communities and blogs, and learning an awful lot about other people’s lives that you have never met.

It’s odd. I know so very much about people I do not know. But it’s also nice, too. And comforting.

Now, I am someone who is quite protective of the IRL (in real life) identities of myself and my family. I don’t use real names for myself, or my husband, or my soon-to-be daughter online. I don’t use real names of friends and associates unless they use them first. But I think I am still pretty forthcoming about my life and who I am and what’s going on, and I think people enjoy reading along with my adventures.

It has its good aspects and its bad aspects, this internet thing. There are a lot of crazies in the Intertubes. I used to know of a small group of people in a larger community who, hidden behind the anonymity of a pseudonym and a computer, would bully and berate and gossip about others, and were obsessed with proving that people they didn’t like or couldn’t understand or who didn’t fit into their smallminded take on the world were “liars”. They were obsessed with outing these people and some imagined wrongs they had done. These individuals were bitter and twisted and vindictive and pathetic, and dealing with them consequently made me cautious about online life.

But the adoption community, you’ll find people are so very different. Not always, of course, but quite often. When I venture into my new community, I see people who are nothing but supportive, and genuine and kind. They have a rough go of it — this process is HARD, make no mistake — but they post about it honestly and openly, and people respond with support and without judgment. They don’t pry into your life, but take you for who you are. They share information freely. They offer advice. And although, like with anywhere on the internet, it’s important to always take what you read with a grain of salt, you read wonderful stories of the journeys these people are on. Remarkable stories of strength, and patience, and hope, and love.

There are great stories out there in the adoption community. A couple’s shock when receiving their referrals. Fundraisers done for couples by friends and family to help raise money to offset the travel expenses of going to Africa or Southeast Asia or wherever. People dealing with the joys and frustrations of fostering-to-adopt a family. Friends coming to the aid of adopting families when the wait just gets too frustrating, bringing food and wine and a portable party just to make them happy.

You get a look into people’s lives that you might not otherwise, because by and large, the people I have met online in the adoption community know that there is strength in numbers. They know that sharing information and knowledge is valuable and comforting to people in a process that can be very isolating sometimes. They understand how hard it is, and want to help others going through it in any way they can. They want to share the joys along the way, because they are some of the most rewarding things in life. And they want to share in one of the greatest things in the ordinary person’s life — the creation of a family.

When we announced our referral a couple weeks back, we literally had hundreds of people drop by to read our story, and got so many warm good wishes. Some were from friends we know IRL, but for the most part, they were from people we had not met, or had only “met” online. Strangers had nothing but congratulations to offer. Many of them are waiting for their referral or their children, and said it renews their hope to read about a referral. Others have been at home with their children for awhile and had themselves experienced the joy and shock and emotion of the day, and know there’s nothing like it in the world. But everywhere we turned, there were people reaching out to share in one of the best days of our life. It was awesome (even MORE than a hotdog).

So, yeah, peeking into the lives of others can seem a bit odd sometimes. But the thing about the adoption community is, although there are some angsty, negative sites and angsty, negative people out there (it IS the internet, after all), many times you are welcomed in to a site with open arms. You can often find blogs or sites or communities where you can just enjoy reading and participating. And it’s nice to have people to share both the good and the bad with. When days get hard or challenging, there are people to offer advice, or comfort, or rail at the powers-that-be with you. And when days are good, there’s so much goodwill and happiness to share around.

Seems to good to be true, huh. Well, that’s what makes a good community.

The second intention I made when I started my 40 Days of Change was to do one thing for our adoption each day. Well, I don’t think it’s going to come as a surprise to anyone, but ever since we got our referral call, that one has been an easy one! We’ve done A LOT of things. And there are still A LOT more to do.

So here’s what we’ve done in the last week and a half or so.

• We bought a mattress and some bedding for the baby’s room. Of course, you’ve seen that already. Well, some of it… under the toys, that is.
• We got all the outlet covers changed and put latches on cupboard doors in advance of our social worker’s last visit.
• We bought fire escape ladders for the top floors. One for the baby’s room, and one for the 3rd floor. This was something we had planned to do for a long time, and we’d searched high and low on the internet for a baby safety store where we could get some stuff. I know these places exist, but we never did find one. And then, when we knew we had to finish up for the social worker’s visit, we searched one last time. NOTHING. So, on a whim, I thought, “Meh, maybe I’ll just check Canadian Tire.” And sure enough, there they were! I love Canadian Tire. We got all our baby safety stuff there.
• We got a car seat. We picked up a 3-in-1 car seat so we’d be all set for awhile. And, because our little Mystery Baby Girl might be still learning to sit up when she gets home, we’re going to borrow a bucket from friends to use for things like going grocery shopping and whatnot.
• We put together the armoire in the baby’s room, so now all the furniture is assembled. Although, I must admit, it was a struggle. Between losing a bolt that came from the factory to assemble it — which, incidentally, was in Europe so consequently the bolt is an odd metric size and took forever to find a replacement for — and having screw holes on the top panel that did not *quite* line up with the side panels, it looks fantastic. The door on the front is also a bit bowed, but we have a replacement for that. But all in all, it looks great. I am so glad we bought the furniture we did.
• We bought a life book, which I started writing in recently. Well, I say “life book”, but actually, it’s already not what I was planning on. I had pictured in my mind a book that had things written to our child about her history, how she came to us, and things like that, and also contained pictures and documents and cards and such. However, the book I bought is not really conducive to having things stuck in it. And also, I wrote several pages on who the baby’s birth mother is, and where she was born, and how she came to be adopted — and I forgot to add any pictures or documents or anything. So it’s actually turning out more like a journal. I’ve written in it a couple of times now, and already I am up to something like 8 pages. I think, as it stands now, I’m going to need a scrapbook, too.
• I’ve continued working on a blanket I am knitting for the baby. I also found a quilt that I started many, many years ago — all it needs is batting sewn into the middle — that I am now suddenly motivated to finish, so I might have to get the sewing machine out and get that done.
• I cleaned out a bench that I was using to store my yarn in, but now plan to use as a toy box, and moved it into the baby’s room.

There’s still so much more to do. I’m trying to make the life book a priority though. There’s just so much I want to tell her, that needs to be written down now, before she comes. Because once she’s here, every day will be a new adventure and there will be that much more to write about.

It’s official. With our meeting with our fantastic adoption case worker at the agency on Friday, we are officially counting down to travel to go and meet Mystery Baby Girl. It’s still going to be a long-ish wait, but not as long as we had planned for when all this started. And even more important, we have an end in sight, a goal to focus on, a glittering prize. So that makes it — for the time being, anyways — a bit easier to tolerate the wait.

I know everyone has been saying, “Oh, it’s SUCH a long time!” when we tell them how long we have to wait to travel. Well, when you’ve come this far, it’s not that bad, really. Sure, we are anxious to go, but we know that at this point, it’s all bureaucracy, and you cannot rush bureaucracy. There’s no use fretting when there is nothing you can do. So, you wait and plan and prepare.

On the other hand, people say, “Oh, you must be SO excited!” And you know what? NOW we are. In a process that has taken 18 months, with a dead zone of information of 8 of those months, we were not excited for a long time. In fact, in recent months, we were the opposite of excited. But now, looking at the picture of Mystery Baby Girl, it’s very easy to be excited.

So our meeting on Friday went well. We got a lot of questions answered, which left us feeling informed and also relieved on a lot of counts. And most importantly, we have an idea what happens next, and a general timeframe as well.

• A court date will be sought for our adoption in Ethiopia. This will be, if we get through it with no hitches, when Mystery Baby Girl becomes our daughter. This is the process, just like here in Canada, where an adoption is finalized. It’s expected this will take 1-2 months — this is happening much, much quicker these days than what we had originally planned for.
• At the same time, another medical will be done on poor little Mystery Baby Girl, who just got done the poking and the prodding and the blood tests from her first medical! Poor little peanut. But, it’s required, and so even though my heart goes out to her little self — I can picture her wails of protest — the quicker it’s done, the better. It’s expected that this should take no time at all.
• Once our court date has passed, and she is officially ours, we can send her a package. So we are already planning what we will send. Pictures, a lovey blankie, maybe a teddy bear… this is on the agenda for the next meeting of the Mystery Baby Welcoming Committee, to decide who will be part of the Special Advance Travelling Welcoming Sub-Committee (Pooh Bear Picture Frame, Chairman).
• Once our court date is past, we can also get our paperwork to travel. A visa and some “citizenship” documents (it’s not citizenship, I forget what it is) are obtained for Mystery Baby Girl, and I think as well a visa for us to travel to Ethiopia. This is all started right now, of course, so it’s just a matter of getting it done once we officially have a daughter. This is expected to take an indeterminate amount of time — as quickly as a month, or as long as 3 months.

So the grand total wait for us is expected to be as short as 2 months, or as long as 5 months. Our caseworker said to plan for around 3.5 months. So, this is much, much sooner than we had originally planned for all those months ago when we started this. That’s the way it goes with adoption: sometimes the waits are shorter, other times they are longer. But it was nice to hear that, right now anyway, things are going fairly quickly. Of course, you have no guarantees in this process, so we plan to hear news when we hear news and not a moment before.

The meeting was good for other reasons as well. We were able to ask a lot of questions and get a lot of useful information that we’ve been craving for as long as we’ve been involved in this journey.

• We know that we will have people to drive us and take us places during our time in Addis. And one of those places, on the first day there, will be shopping for bottles and diapers and formula and stuff. This means we can pack a lot differently than we had planned. Of course, we will still pack some of these things, because we will need some for the trip home and because the quality is different than we will have here, but now we know that right up front, we can get these items, and so that frees up a bit of space for other things in our luggage.
• Many of the people we will be dealing with will have a good grasp of English, which is nice because our learning of Amharic is slow indeed.
• Our agency offers classes in basic Amharic, as well as classes in hair and skin care for our child. We’ll be signing up for each, which will be a great way to keep engaged as we wait for our date to travel.
• We were concerned about the prevalence of parasites and such, and having to deal with them. There will be some that may appear of course, but there’s been no outbreaks of scabies among the children at this particular agency, and there’s been only one case of another of the parasites we asked about. (Giardia, maybe? I forget now, and my notes are upstairs.) Because our agency has a central home, visited regularly by a pediatrician, these things are not as common as with other agencies or homes in Ethiopia.
• We will, however, almost certainly suffer some intestinal distress. Plan for pepto bismol each day, and whatever other meds will help with this problem.
• There is no diet pop readily available, if at all, to our resident diabetic BDH. So we will have to plan for other beverage options for him.
• Our case worker has stayed at one of the hotels we are considering. She will be a great resource when deciding.
• Although we have a driver to assist us, and they will plan things for us to visit and see, we can do as much or as little as we wish while we are there. This was good to hear because we have heard of many families planning outings and sightseeing and whatnot. But we were planning on doing very little sightseeing when we are there, and we didn’t want to offend anyone by declining these outings. Our first priority, as brand new parents, will just be settling into a new routine and getting to know our daughter. We don’t want to sightsee very much on this trip; rather, we’re planning on returning to Ethiopia when our daughter is older and doing our sightseeing then. On the remote chance that Mystery Baby Girl settles in with us really easily, we will perhaps visit a few places.
• We found out about practical concerns, like currency and lack of electricity and the like. This will make it much easier to prepare all the practical things. One great thing to learn was that our agency director is en route to Addis to arrange for a generator for the orphanage, so they’ll be well taken care of during the current electrical shortages there.

There was a lot more, but that’s all I can remember right now. It was just so wonderful to sit with someone for an hour and ask all the questions we’ve been wondering about for so long. Although we’ve done our research and talked with other adoptive parents, it’s nice to get information right from the source.

So, yeah — we’re feeling pretty excited now. It’s amazing what a little information can do.

Of course, seeing those pictures of that little face each day helps a lot, too.