How Long Have You Lived Here (Dumbass)?

So, I have lived in Canada, and more specifically, southern Ontario, for the vast majority of my life. Let’s say 80 percent of my life, at least.

SO YOU THINK I WOULD KNOW FROM WINTER.

And yet? I have some sort of mental block that prevents me from any sort of basic fundamental knowledge of HOW WINTER WORKS.

First off, it catches me off guard every time it comes. I’m puttering along on my merry way, minding my own business, and then snow falls and I’m all OMG WTELF WHOOP WHOOP WHOOOOOOOP OH HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN.

I am never dressed appropriately for the weather, and consequently freeze my arse off walking my kid to school each day. My nose hairs freeze. I can’t feel my face. The skin on my legs begins to itch. Appendages begin to hurt. Or, at the other end of the spectrum, I’m melting and sweating when I go out to shovel show.

And then stupid things like today. Which really illustrate that I am just not snow-enabled.

Okay, let me backtrack ever so slightly. Xmas holidays, yes?

We stayed home for the holidays. Literally. We went nowhere. We did nothing. We blanket forted for two weeks. We shovelled snow once, when the icy-crappy-storm came through, but that kind of got melty afterwards anyway. BDH maybe went out twice, but otherwise we did nothing. And, as such, neither did our cars.

Christmas proper was warm and rainy, as was much of the holidays. Then we got a storm full of freezing rain, ice pellets, and wind. I think I mentioned.

Then we got snow for, like, 3 days. Little bits of snow here and there. Enough for That Girl to go out and play in. And then last night…

MINUS 25. It went from la-la-la-mild-nothing-to-see-here to OH MY DOG ARCTIC.

And what happens, you might ask yourself, when you leave cars out in this for two weeks? Well, I will tell you.

YOU GET A LAYER OF ICE ON YOUR WINDSHIELD AN INCH THICK.

Okay, it wasn’t all ice, to be fair. It was FROZEN ICE PELLETS AND SNOW IN A NICE ICE THICK LAYER OF FROZEN ICY GOODNESS. Which, when wielding an ice scraper, is basically the same as ice.

But I did not know this. And do you know why? BECAUSE I HIBERNATED FOR TWO WEEKS IN MY BLANKET FORT, PLAYING SIMS AND BINGE WATCHING “MIRANDA”. Also, because I am a dumbass who did not think to clear off her car in all that time.

So. This morning, being Monday, and That Girl being back in school, seemed as good a time as any to go out, run to the grocery store, stop in at the wild bird store for seed, that sort of thing. Except I couldn’t, because the ice was thick on the windshield.

I let the car run for at least half an hour. I intermittently tried to go out and scrape bits up and off. But I tell you truly, running a car heater — even at full whack — does very little to melt ice on a windshield in those sorts of wind chills.

So after trying to leave for 45 minutes, I threw up my hands, came back inside, and decided to make bread instead, while I waited for the sun to come around and melt the ice.

CLEARLY I AM NOT MEANT TO BE IN WINTER.

Meanwhile, I had a perfectly viable and impenetrable shield to hide behind, if suddenly we were fired upon by Daleks or other interspace baddies.

However, my tale of woe does end well enough, since I just went out and, with some further running-of-car and wielding-of-ice-scraper, managed to wedge the ice scraper underneath some of the Impenetrable Anti-Alien LaserGun Ice Shield, and pried it off in three large chunks.  So that was swell.

Which I now have to drive over to get out of the driveway. That should be exciting.

WE HAVE ACHIEVED WINDSHIELD. GROCERIES ARE GO.

I can now drive around unencumbered. However, I am screwed in the event of interplanetary warfare.