February. It Can Suck It, Man.

Ugh. February. If there’s one month of the year I hate, it’s February.  (Okay, I lied. I hate November too. And August. For different reasons entirely.) But still. Goddamn February, amirite?

Because, seriously. The darkness. Oh my dog, I have had ENOUGH of the waking up in the dark thing. I am DONE. Plus, because the weather is… well, WINTERY… it’s overcast and gray and darkish during the daytime, too. Sunshine is rare in February.

And it’s cold. Unrelenting cold. And here, in the armpit of southern Ontario, it does that unsettled weather thing, which means tons of snow and also freezing rain and wind and dog knows what else. Probably thundersnow and plagues of cold-resistant locusts or something. I wouldn’t be surprised.

But it is damp. Cold and dark and damp.

I hate it.

I get a bit of the SAD going on in winter, but I take vitamins and Vitamin D and I get outside and walk and I can fight it for most of the winter. On sunny days, I try to stand in the sunlight to help boost my vitamin D. Right now, I am sitting in a rare sunbeam, like a cat, because I need some sun like breathing.The cats are gravitating to the window too. (But they’re not SAD or even feeling bushed in any way; they’re just cats. Not even very smart cats, if I am completely honest.)

For those of us of the non-feline persuasion, then… February is always hard. Forget I even mentioned the cats.

And this year, That Girl is starting to feel it, too. She’s starting to feel tired and grumpy. And for the last week or so, getting up in the morning has been a real challenge. She doesn’t want to.

I swear to you, if ever a child was like her parent — in spite of the lack of biological connection — this kid is like me. When I was growing up, every morning, I would stumble downstairs to get a snuggle from my father and complain about how tired I was and how I didn’t want to get up. And, sure as can be, 40 years on, so too is my daughter stumbling down the stairs for a snuggle and complaining about how tired she is and how much she doesn’t want to get up.

I kind of love that, actually. Just one of the many ways we are meant to be together as a family.

Anyway, February. It’s hard, man. We are struggling. In some ways, we are gaining ground — watching our budget, keeping on top of house stuff, watching our health — but it’s hard to be optimistic. What gains we might make are overshadowed by the gloom.

I am, for example, still working with a dietitian to change my eating habits and train myself to eat healthily and eventually lose weight and improve some nagging health issues. But although in my brain somewhere I know that eating healthy is better and I am doing pretty well at it, and the exercise I am doing too… the only thing I can focus on is the negative. How I am seeing no appreciable change. How I am not losing weight. How I am still feeling… bad.

Not only is it hard to be optimistic and persevere, but it’s also just really easy to forget good habits and be all FUCK IT, EAT ALL THE THINGS!!11!!1!11!!

(I haven’t. Really. But there’s a package of chocolate hobnobs in the cupboard that are calling to me like whoa. I would eat them all and then go to the store and buy eleventeen more packages.)

And being tired and feeling down is not conducive to an exercise plan. Get up and do yoga? SCREW YOU ALARM, I’M SLEEPING IN. Get on the treadmill? BUT I COULD SIT IN THIS SUNBEAM AND INTERNETS FOREVER!

Or NAP, even.

But I cannot. I have to muster some sort of motivation and get my arse moving and plaster a smile on my face to deal with everyone when all I feel is a Sneaky Hate Spiral coming on. Except it’s the February variant of a Sneaky Hate Spiral. A Sneaky February Hate Spiral. With less La Bamba and bug swarms, obviously, and more freezing rain and darkness.

I am convinced that February was put on this earth to screw with us. I can see no other purpose. We don’t need it. At least January still has the post-Christmas post-New Year feeling of industry, with debts to pay and resolutions to keep. And January is usually sunny, too. Why do we not just have two Januaries and then skip right on over to March?

It seems like a sound plan to me.

I will see if I can come up with a sound proposal, while I go downstairs into my dark cold stupid basement and trudge on my stupid arsing treadmill YES I KNOW IT IS FOR MY HEALTH BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT AND DID I ASK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION OH NO I DID NOT GRUMBLE WHINE, and I will get back to you.

Grumble.