Some random FAIL, for your Friday dining and dancing pleasure.
- Not enough caffeine in the WORLD: Man, have I been tired this week. Like, arse-draggingly, mind-numbingly tired. My mind is foggy, like a pea-soup fog that not even the most earnest of efforts can penetrate to get to bits of information. I cannot concentrate, and I certainly cannot noun. Part of it is the increase in my physical activity. Part of it is my decrease in sleep, which is my own damn fault for staying up too late in some cases, and just lousy sleep in others. But in any case, I could drink more coffee than should be allowed by law, and it wouldn’t make a difference. Well, except I’d have to pee all the damn time. And I would probably fall asleep while doing so.
- Dude, Where’s My Pants?: Because of my tiredness this week, and honestly, my chronic tiredness in general, That Girl and I have undertaken a Pants Check when we go out the door. Her job is to make sure I am suitably attired to leave the house. “Glasses?” “Check.” “Shoes?” “Check.” “Pants?” “Check.” Because it is important to be wearing pants when you leave, not just for me, but to spare the vision of the casual passerby. Once, when BDH was reaching epic levels of tired, he walked out to go to work in what he believed was a fully-dressed state, but in actuality he had forgotten to put on pants. In his case, boxer shorts were at least in place and protected his modesty. But in mine? I would not be so lucky. And neither would onlookers.
- Grocery Wars, Episode 1: I am not good at grocery shopping. And by that, I mean, people in the grocery store turn me from a friendly, polite individual into an Enraged Being. If there is a version of Road Rage that pertains to shopping carts, then I have it. And it’s usually because I am dealing with old folks in the grocery store. It used to be that I knew what days and times the Oldsmobiles would descend upon the local store en masse to wander around aimlessly, leaving their carts all over the aisles and getting in everyone’s way. But in recent years, the pattern has disappeared, and it’s as though the Grey Grocery Ninjas can just appear without warning to mess with my day. Today, it was an elderly woman who would block various sections of the aisle with her cart while she faffed about with produce. Or the one who would just walk and park between me and my cart so I could neither get out of being pinned up against the tinned vegetables nor put anything into my cart. Or maybe it was the one who, ignoring me moving my cart in front of the dairy section to be able to get a bag of milk, WEDGED HERSELF BETWEEN MY CART AND THE DOOR OF THE DISPLAY CASE TO GET MILK HERSELF. And then took 5 MINUTES TO GET OUT A CARTON OF CHOCOLATE MILK. All I could do was stand there and boggle and her complete and utter lack of awareness of the world around her, or her unbelievable rudeness. I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE! I just can’t even.
- Grocery Wars, Episode 2: Today, I finished checking out at the grocery store and went to leave, and ended up following an elderly man. He was old, and fat, and leaning on his cart and walking EVER SO SLOWLY. Now, I know that when one gets old, it can take longer to get some things done. And I know that I will be old one day and will also probably take longer to get things done. And with this in mind, I do try to be pleasant and patient. But when you are old and fat, DO NOT EXACERBATE THE PROBLEM BY DAWDLING. This guy was just moseying along, reading newspaper headlines as he passed the news stand, stopping to smell the flowers in the flower shop, looking at wine on display… AND A QUEUE OF 4 CARTS WAS FOLLOWING BEHIND. And there he was, completely oblivious. AND DAWDLING. All the way through the store and to the doors. And then, for his dismount, he stopped IN THE DOORWAY WITH HIS CART while he fished for something in his pockets. If ever I disappear from this site for a significant time period, you can almost be sure it is because I have a) committed Grocery Store Cart Homicide or 2) had a massive stroke because of the epic frustration of going to the grocery store and Dealing With Elderly People.
- Thanksgiving. You’re Doing It Wrong.: Thanksgiving is on Monday. I didn’t buy a turkey because a) expensive and 2) I can’t be arsed to cook a giant meal for the three of us. Instead, we’re going to Niagara Falls, NY tomorrow to watch our neighbour’s daughter play soccer. And probably to shop, I can’t lie. And eat out. Or all three of the above. And then we’re coming home and locking the door and, I hope, being lazy for the remainder of the weekend. (Okay, probably not that. There’s laundry to do.) And in case you’re worried that I am scarring my daughter for life with memories of a childhood full of unmarked and uncelebrated holidays: Don’t worry. I bought a cooked bbq chicken at the deli counter today. That’s basically a turkey, right?