The Bad Touch

So, the phone rang this morning at around nine-ish. It was BDH, who was on his way to work. He was giggling.

“Hi,” he said.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. Because if he was calling on the way to work, something had to be wrong.

“WHY DOES SOMETHING HAVE TO BE WRONG? CAN’T I JUST CALL BECAUSE I HAVE A FUNNY STORY TO TELL YOU?” he said, like I had spoiled his fun.

“I’m sorry, ” I said, solemnly. “Please continue.”

“I was just calling to tell you… That I was just sexually assaulted BY MY COAT.”

“Oh, dear,” I said, in mock sympathy. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

“I think I should,” he said, his serious tone barely holding back the giggles.

“I’m listening, ” I said, putting on my best Frasier Crane professional-listening-with-all-solemnity radio-voice.

“Well,” he began. “I stopped to get gas. I opened the door and went to get out of the car. I didn’t know it, but the elastic — you know, that useless elastic drawstring thing with the plastic ties they put in the waistbands of coats? — anyway, I didn’t know it but apparently, it got caught on the seatbelt. So as I got out, it stretched farther and farther, until it let go… AND SNAPPED ME RIGHT IN THE ASS.”

I stifled a laugh.

He continued, “So then I went in to the woman — her name is Mary, she works most weekdays — I went in to her and said, ‘I think I’ve just been sexually molested by my coat!'”

I laughed. “You poor thing!”

“YEAH!” he said. “And it really HURT!”

“That’s going to leave a mark,” I said, all sympathy completely gone.

“I know!” he said. “Now I’m going to have to check the mirror today! There’s probably going to be a BRUISE! On my BUM!”

At this point, we discussed how this coat was a BASTARD COAT, and what to do about it. It was then that he admitted that this was not the first time.

“OH MY DOG,” I exclaimed in mock horror. “THIS IS HARASSMENT! We’re going to have to press charges… or something. Can you report it to… someone? Or something?”

“I dunno, ” he admitted. “But I tell you what. I’M GONNA CUT THAT CORD RIGHT OFF!”

“That’ll teach it,” I agreed.

One thought on “The Bad Touch

  1. OMG. Tears in the eyes. I can hear BDH’s giggle all the way here. I needed that today. Thanks for sharing.

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