So, the phone rang this morning at around nine-ish. It was BDH, who was on his way to work. He was giggling.
“Hi,” he said.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. Because if he was calling on the way to work, something had to be wrong.
“WHY DOES SOMETHING HAVE TO BE WRONG? CAN’T I JUST CALL BECAUSE I HAVE A FUNNY STORY TO TELL YOU?” he said, like I had spoiled his fun.
“I’m sorry, ” I said, solemnly. “Please continue.”
“I was just calling to tell you… That I was just sexually assaulted BY MY COAT.”
“Oh, dear,” I said, in mock sympathy. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”
“I think I should,” he said, his serious tone barely holding back the giggles.
“I’m listening, ” I said, putting on my best Frasier Crane professional-listening-with-all-solemnity radio-voice.
“Well,” he began. “I stopped to get gas. I opened the door and went to get out of the car. I didn’t know it, but the elastic — you know, that useless elastic drawstring thing with the plastic ties they put in the waistbands of coats? — anyway, I didn’t know it but apparently, it got caught on the seatbelt. So as I got out, it stretched farther and farther, until it let go… AND SNAPPED ME RIGHT IN THE ASS.”
I stifled a laugh.
He continued, “So then I went in to the woman — her name is Mary, she works most weekdays — I went in to her and said, ‘I think I’ve just been sexually molested by my coat!'”
I laughed. “You poor thing!”
“YEAH!” he said. “And it really HURT!”
“That’s going to leave a mark,” I said, all sympathy completely gone.
“I know!” he said. “Now I’m going to have to check the mirror today! There’s probably going to be a BRUISE! On my BUM!”
At this point, we discussed how this coat was a BASTARD COAT, and what to do about it. It was then that he admitted that this was not the first time.
“OH MY DOG,” I exclaimed in mock horror. “THIS IS HARASSMENT! We’re going to have to press charges… or something. Can you report it to… someone? Or something?”
“I dunno, ” he admitted. “But I tell you what. I’M GONNA CUT THAT CORD RIGHT OFF!”
“That’ll teach it,” I agreed.