Things That Nightmares Are Made Of

WARNING: HYSTERICAL SHRIEKING SCAREDY GIRL POST AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.

Y’all know I hate bugs, right? I might have mentioned the time I had a spider chase me across my apartment in Japan, and maybe the time I vacuumed up a cockroach because JUST… EW. You’ve read my adventure of being stalked by a praying mantis. You’ve read my earwig freakouts.

Well, today was another one of those days.

As a child, I learned to do a quick scan of the shower before getting in, because the house was old and there were a lot of silverfish and spiders, and I did not want to shower with either of them. One of the first years I visited BDH’s family in NS, it was a particularly bad year for earwigs, and I added them to my Bathroom/Bedroom Watch List. And then last year was the EARWIG INFESTATION FROM HELL in this part of Ontario. They were everywhere.

This year, I have noticed a number of silverfish in the house — EW — but the earwigs were fewer. I can take down a silverfish with a shoe or a paper towel. They’re pretty fragile and stupid. But I am NOT getting anywhere THAT CLOSE to an EARWIG.

Just… NO.

So, I am in the shower this morning, minding my own business, washing my hair. SIX-THIRTY IN THE BLESSED AM. BEFORE COFFEE, I might add. I turn around and what do I see? AN EARWIG WALKING ACROSS BDH’S SHOWER BACKSCRUBBER.

I about FREAKED THE FUCK OUT, I tell you truly.

I leapt from the shower, and did the naked shrieking tippytoe OMGOMGOMG WTF WAS THAT dance as the water pooled around me on the floor. I grabbed the scrubber, and held it under the running water, hoping to wash the little bastard down the drain. But it had other ideas, and crawled deep into the scrubber.

Then I got pissed.

So I took the scrubber and WHAM! Hit it against the edge of the sink. Repeatedly. Finally, the little bastard fell into the sink, where I ran the water top speed and washed him down the sink.

Whew.

I stood there for a minute or two, getting my Zen back. And then I got back into the still-running shower, where I proceeded to have THE QUICKEST SHOWER IN HISTORY. You know, in case there were SOME OF HIS BASTARD EARWIG FRIENDS in there.

And then I got out. I started to towel off, and glanced at the sink. Where I saw THAT SAME EARWIG, CRAWLING BACK UP THE SCRUBBER.

WHAM. WHAM. WHAM. I smacked it against the edge of the sink some more, and the uglybug fell into the sink again. Where I ran the running water, and washed him down the drain. AGAIN.

I let the water run for a good long time. A couple of minutes.

I got my clothes on, and put some product on my hair. I was just reaching for the hair dryer, when I looked in the sink and THERE IT WAS AGAIN. CRAWLING UP OUT OF THE DRAIN.

AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH. It was THE EARWIG THAT WOULD NOT DIE.

Now, I have a tiny bit of respect for a creature whose life force is so strong that he refuses to get knocked down, that refuses to say die. But OMG THIS DOES NOT EXTEND TO UGLY DISGUSTING BUGS. This was getting into nightmare territory. I grabbed the liquid shower soap, and GENEROUSLY squirted a bunch of it around the drain, and washed it down. If there’s one thing that kills earwigs, it’s soap. So I slathered it on, baby. There were lots of bubbles and soapy blobs everywhere. DIDN’T CARE. And I ran the water for A BILLION YEARS.

I wanted that bastard DEAD. Somewhere, a Buddhist is crying. WHATEVS.

Anyway, I didn’t see it after that. BDH went into the bathroom to get ready for work, and he didn’t mention that it came back. He was pretty squicked out — “OMG. I USED THAT BACK SCRUBBER LAST NIGHT!” — so no doubt he was on the alert.

So needless to say, I have had the heebiedeejeebies all fricking day now. Every tickle on my skin and I’m all OMGWTFBBQ WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. I’m scanning the walls, the countertops, the floors, everything for the ugly little fuckers.

And BDH is out at soccer tonight.

It’s going to be a LONG night.