Random Tuesday: Highs and Lows, Bigs and Smalls Edition

Welcome! I see you’re in town for our annual Craptacular Weather Festival! Please… do come in. Try not to let the water seep into your shoes.

Three-ish days of storms and rain are taking the whole “April showers bring May flowers” thing a bit TOO far, I think. I’m damp, and trying to keep moving so as to avoid getting mildewed.

And on today’s Random Assortment of Randomy Randomness Show, we have:

  • The high comedy of an Election. Over the past few weeks, BDH and I have been watching the local antics in this year’s federal election with much bemusement. But it also made us determined to make sure we got out and voted, so last night, we decided to go and get ‘er done in the Advance Polls. But the only time we could go was after my physio appointment at around 7:20. That’s 10 minutes before Stinkerbelle’s bedtime, but she generally lays in bed and sings and faffs and gabs for an hour after bedtime anyway, sooo… In her jammies and slippers and all ready for bed, we packed up Stinkerbelle and off we went in the pouring rain to vote. She was ALL. ABOUT. THE. VOTING. I mean, anywhere she can go with a crowd of people — A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE — and dude, she’s all in. So she was all OH HI HELLO GOOD MORNING WE ARE VOTING ISN’T IT GREAT! while BDH and I alternated getting ourselves checked in and voting while the other held The Be-jammied One. She LOVED voting. Even though, you know, she didn’t actually VOTE, nor does she even know what voting IS. And she fussed and cried when it was time to go home. And when I went in to get her up this morning, the first thing she said to me was “Hi, good morning, we go VOTE?”
  • Big Granny panties. So, I am frugal. We know this. It takes me a LOT of prodding to spend money on myself, when we don’t have much to spare. If we’re flush, I’m all OH HELLO ONLINE SHOPPING I AM IN YOU NOW. But not when money is scarce. So when I went out two weeks ago to buy socks and underwear, you KNOW I was getting desperate. So anyway, here is this week’s TMI about me: I wear bikini-type underwear. High cut. Have done for 25 years. They fit me and they’re comfortable. And at Sears, two weeks ago, there was a sale on 3-packs of underwear, so I was all HELLO SAVING MONEY. But BDH and Stinkerbelle were there, and he has to buy stuff too, and Stinkerbelle gets in a mall and goes OMG MUST GO EVERYWHERE AND BUY ALL THE THINGS, so it was a quick get-in-get-stuff-go-home kind of trip. I grabbed 2 3-packs of underwear, paid, and off we went. So, in the next batch of laundry, I grabbed the packs quickly, pulled out the new undies, and dropped them in the wash. And then, the time came to put the clothes on the line. And as I started hanging clothes, I came upon these… THINGS… and I was all WTF THESE ARE THE BIGGEST UNDERPANTS IN THE UNIVERSE. These things were like SAILS, they were so big. So I came back inside, and went up and fished the packages out of the garbage. And I was struck by three cruel realities:

1. I had mistakenly purchased GRANNY PANTS. Big, giant panties made from YARDS AND YARDS of cloth. Pants which, because I am short-waisted, COME UP OVER MY RIBCAGE.
2. I had purchased not only Granny Pants, but Granny Pants that were A SIZE LARGER (AT LEAST) THAN I NORMALLY WEAR. I think they are actually PLUS SIZED GRANNY PANTS.
3. And the saddest fact of all… I had now WASHED the giant pants, and therefore COULD NOT RETURN THEM.

I have a surplus of giant pants. A whole lot of big smalls. A big drawer full of… big drawers. I has a sad.

  • Big bunnies and high saccharine content. My daughter has, thanks to an email from her Auntie Tena, discovered a love for a show called “BunnyBop”, a new Canadian program for the 3-and-under set that’s made in PEI. We watch it online. It’s a 5-minute long show from the makers of Big Comfy Couch — so, as with typical Canadian educational television, it’s gentle, and sweet, and quiet… and full of women singing strange discordant songs in shrill voices that are occasionally slightly off-tune. Oh well. For the most part, it’s very gentle and Stinkerbelle LOVESLOVESLOVES it. And I don’t mind it, in 5-minute doses. I’m not homicidal YET, but give me a few weeks. And I love hearing her say “Bunny Bop” and talk to the kids and bunnies in the show.
  • Little bunnies, medium buns, and high sugar content. For Easter, I made hot cross buns. Which were basically cinnamon buns made into bun shapes instead of rolled-up shapes, and had less icing on them. And were, admittedly, a bit overdone. BUT STILL TASTY. I made these because we are not Easter people, really, so there’s no church thing, or big dinner thing, going on with us. And Stinkerbelle, with her eating issues, is not someone who I thought would enjoy a lot of candy. And she CERTAINLY does not need toys, what with her birthday falling around the same time. But I wanted to mark the occasion, and she DOES love bread stuff, so I made hot cross buns. And they were a nice tasty breakfast for Easter, and she ate one, and I felt like MOM = WIN. Plus, we gave her a little basket with a token few chocolate eggs and little bunnies in it. It was only slightly after breakfast that I realized that she knows how to unwrap chocolate Easter eggs, as I watched her happily scarf down a mouthful of chocolate while muttering ‘MORE CHOK-LIT PWEESE” as chocolate drool oozed down her chin. So, MOM = FAIL.
  • High drama and emotional lows. No, really. Our house is full of TEH DRAMA these days. In particular, one small Drama Llama, who is working the emotional manipulation for all she is worth. Lately, we’ve been treated to selections from The LOOKIT-ME-I-AM-SO-SAD-IF-I-SCREW-MY-EYES-UP-REALLY-TIGHT-I-MAY-EVEN-SQUEEZE-OUT-A-REAL-TEAR School of Emoting. Accompanied, of course, by fake crying sounds, and the emphatic “I CRYING!!” so that you know that Real Emotions Are Happening. You wanna see real emotions, kid? Go open my closet door and watch me recoil in horror at the sight of SIX PAIRS OF GRANNY PANTIES. And then watch me cry at the thought that I wasted 30 bucks.

10 thoughts on “Random Tuesday: Highs and Lows, Bigs and Smalls Edition

  1. Oh My doG, I have not laughed this hard (at the giant panties) in ages. Thank you for that. Having said that, you are handy at teh sewing, yes? Perhaps you could alter said panties? Or set up some sort of “I bought the wrong size & style of panties” panty exchange? Just a thought.

    • @Janna — I’ve heard there’s a market for second-hand panties on Teh Interwebs. But I’m guessing GRANNY PANTS ARE NOT BIG SELLERS. (Ha! see what I did there?)

  2. Thank you for the random LAUGHTER. The toddler kept asking ‘what, mama?’ over and over as I kept laughing.

    As for the underwear, donate them to a good cause. Loads of organizations are looking for undergarments because they are never given any. Consider it your donation for the month, move on, suck it up and buy new undies.

    Or suck it up and wear them, but know that every time I read something you’ve typed, I will be wondering if you are currently, actually, wearing the granny panties.

    🙂

    And Toddler Drama is so fun, isn’t it? Mixed with a healthy dose of feeling like Bart Simpson in my parenting.

    • @Tova — I may have to keep them, just to keep you wondering. “IS SHE OR ISN’T SHE?” Which is, in fact, kind of weird, having someone out in the world wondering about your underpants.

      Alternatively, I could randomly insert “PANTS!” into my posts, on days when I wear the Granny Pants Up To My Armpits Like A Female Ed Grimley. Sort of like sending up a Big Underpants Bat Signal.

      P.S. Now aren’t you glad you waited until I had settled in with my cup of tea before posting?

  3. Very glad. Very, very glad. Also, you ain’t got nothin’ on me re. mildew and water seepage. I swear my house smells funny now after it rains. Because of the mildew bloom that happens. Gross. So that would be like almost every day around here. Damn temperate rain forest. Feels neither temperate, or exotic.

    Can’t wait for the insertion of PANTS. And then I will have a mental image that will scar my retina’s. Thank you for that.

  4. Pingback: Underpants Ho – CinnamonOpus Says

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