Mar
24
Hold me, peeps. In the last 24 hours, I have been TRAUMATIZED. It is TRUE. OH YES. I may never recover.
There is not enough BLEACH in the WORLD to help me recover from events of the past day. I may need therapy. It’s hard to say.
But needless to say, this post may be DISTURBING to our more SENSITIVE READERS. Oh, who am I kidding? How could anything be more offensive than my usual potty mouthed ranting? Plus it gives you the opportunity to laugh at me, which is, like, SCORE.
So read on… AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
TRAUMA THE FIRST
FIRST, there was THE POO INCIDENT.
Stinkerbelle made a GINORMOUS poo yesterday. So, in my infinite Mom wisdom, I decided to take the opportunity to flush the diaper deposit. This would accomplish two things: one, it would keep the offending material out of the diaper pail and thus, keep the house from smelling like poo, and two, I could use it as a teachable moment — “oh look! poo goes in the toilet! bye poo!”
Except.
This poo, it was not an ORDINARY poo. I dropped it in the toilet, and went to flush… and it just STAYED THERE. It did not move. I flushed again. Still it remained. I put some TP in with it, and flushed again. It was unmoved.
This was a stubborn poo. So I left it, thinking the water would “dissolve” matters a bit and help it on its way to Sewageland.
So we went about our day. Four hours later, I came back.
THE POO WAS STILL THERE.
What was this poo, MADE OF KRYPTONITE? CEMENT? Was it some sort of SUPER POO?
So, I had to take one for the team. I wrapped my hand up in a plastic bag, reached in, and had to BREAK IT UP WITH MY HAND.
Not my finest hour, to be sure. BDH laughed until he stopped about this one, I can tell you. And every time I need to defend myself about ANYTHING now, I yell, “BUT I BROKE A POO UP WITH MY HAAAAAAND!” To which he replies, “YEAH, BUT YOU PUT IT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, DUMBASS!”
So, yeah. That happened.
TRAUMA NUMERO DEUX
Secondly, there was the NEIGHBOUR incident.
Now, by now, you all know we have the Naked Neighbours, who like to sunbathe in the nude and cause us no end of ocular trauma. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM.
Oh no, this is about our new neighbour, the Lady Cop who moved in on the other side of us.
I have not met her yet. But I feel I know her much better this afternoon, as I stood in our kitchen — which faces a window in our playroom that is adjacent to a window in Lady Cop’s kitchen — and I observed her: first, sucking face with her hulking boyfriend, and then — AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING — and then? I saw her feet suddenly wave in the air and her pants being peeled off them. The boyfriend then disappeared BUT HER LEGS DID NOT as she was SERVICED ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.
IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW.
AS I STOOD IN MY KITCHEN, GETTING SNACKS FOR MY DAUGHTER.
Yes. Exactly what I was thinking.
What is seen CANNOT BE UNSEEN. I need BRAIN BLEACH.
I mean, there’s a level of familiarity that you just don’t want with your neighbours. And then there’s LIKE WHOA.
And so, my friends, we shall NEVER TALK OF THIS DAY AGAIN.
And if you need me, I will be under my desk, rocking and weeping.
*****
Archives
One Year Ago: Tuesday Tidbits
Two Years Ago: Irrational
Three Years Ago: Rediscovering Holidays
Thanks for that! I almost reverse snorted salad (with yoghurt dressing) reading this!! I think BDH’s comeback is great!! (still chuckling!)
@Nif — I misquoted him. He actually called me “Dumbass.” I have corrected this for truthiness. And, because it’s funnier that way.
Sigh… getting it on the kitchen, I miss the pre-kid days.
Oh. My. God.
Wwll – at least life is exciting!
Is it wrong that I have a huge smile on my face?!
I’m sorry , but I can’t stop laughing. I have tears in my eyes from the laughing. OMG. TOO FUNNY. The problem with these things is even after you are peeping tom on them sucking face, you still keep on looking. Human nature.
@Sherri — I will admit that I was standing there, TURNING LIGHTS ON AND OFF, JUMPING UP AND DOWN, WAVING MY ARMS…in the hope that they’d notice and think OOPS, should close the curtains.
And yet, they didn’t. Either it was a REALLY GOOD TIME, or they enjoy the whole “out in the open” thing.
First off, thank you for continuing the poo/toilet post legacy that I started last week. I feel somewhat closer to you now. As for the second “incident” – you are crafty, perhaps you could present your new neighbour with a set of curtains for her kitchen window. Discreetly, of course.
@Janna — Better than what I was going to do, which is hold up a sign that says “AWKWARD…”
The thing is… she HAS curtains. We don’t (well, you know what window I’m talking about), so I think this weekend we’re taking a trip to Michaels and are going to frost the window. Lets the light in, keeps the porn out.
Oh ah ha ha ha!! Did NOT see that coming at all..get it..coming!!! Oh so bad!
Yup, never to speak of this day again!
Just a thought……As I remember, the window you are talking about is like VERY HIGH on the wall. Did you stand on a chair to see out or am I extra short? OK, I am short but it is still very high on the wall.
@Grammy — Don’t be saucy, Grammy, or you will get a time out.
Ok so poopscapes continue..took the wee on up just now for a diaper change thinking he had peed because he DOES NOT poop until the afternoon after his “good mornig-nice-to-see-you-poop when we get up” and I take his diaper off and “plop!” a poop falls right on the floor…so I pick it up with the diaper and it slips and falls again ‘plop’ on the floor.
Thought of you!
@Rana — I am a little depressed that my internets persona is now defined by poop.
Oh well. Could be worse.
Seriously? Do you make this shit up? I thought not. Ok. Kryptonite poo exists and it is nasty. Almost deadly. But here’s my question. Why not find something to break it up with other than your hand…I don’t know, a stick you could toss in the garbage???
And neighbors? Well, all I can say is ouch. Kitchen table ouch. Not that I would know from personal experience.
I love the idea of the sign, but I suppose frosting would be more sustainable.
Thank you for sharing these stories, I laughed so hard I cried. I really needed that, so out of your pain and trauma comes good. See? You can stop rocking now.
@Tova — Glad to be of service.
On discussion with BDH, and analysis of the angles and floorplans… it may not have been the table but instead the KITCHEN ISLAND. Remind me never to accept an offer to eat a meal at neighbour’s house. EVER.
And as for the stick… we have to sort our garbage like WHOA. So a stick wouldn’t really work. A plastic bag is much easier (and cleaner) to dispose of.
Is it wrong that when I saw that you might frost the windows, that I thought you meant frosting, like you’d put on a cake? I seem to have frosting on the brain lately (I was watching TV & they were talking about a plane’s wings icing over, and I thought they meant frosting then too). I don’t even like frosting, except for cream cheese frosting. Mmmmmm, cream cheese frosting.
@Janna — THANKS FOR THAT.
::makes mental note to stop off at the store for some cream cheese frosting, not for the windows::
Oh thank goodness I stumbled on the illicit affair Mary was referring too!!! Don’t you feel like on of the desperate houswives now? Ha!!!!
And seriously, the poop…I think I threw up a little in my mouth…
@Rhonda — Wait, did you just call me a desperate housewife?
Ok, the kitchen island is going TOO FAR! That’s just wrong. Food prep and sex should not be mixed. Imagine if one was chopping onions or garlic and…
Ok. Nevermind. Too far in my brain.
What about putting a plastic bag over the toilet bowl brush next time? Of course assuming that there will not be a next time.
@Tova — I KNOW RIGHT! There are LIMITS.
Oh wait, can’t talk now, the afternoon show is about to start!!