Baby’s First Step-by-Step Guideâ„¢ to killing one’s parents
1. Go to bed at the regular time of 7:30 without complaint.
2. Begin wailing and sobbing 45 minutes later.
3. When Mommy comes in to comfort you, let her know that you are having issues with Blue Blankie. Let her sort that out for you, and agree to settle down to sleep.
4. When Mommy leaves, wait two minutes and commence wailing and sobbing again.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 several times until Daddy comes.
6. When Daddy comes, very dramatically cling to Daddy. Agree to go to sleep only on condition that he read you another story.
7. Listen rapturously to a story of your choice.
8. Agree to go to sleep.
9. When Daddy leaves, wait two minutes and commence wailing and sobbing again.
10. When Daddy returns, greet him cheerfully with “O HAI DADDY!”
11. Agree to go to sleep, on condition that Daddy stay in the room with you.
12. Fiddle faff around for half an hour before finally going to sleep sometime after 9:45.
13. Wake the entire house at 4:30 am with screams and wails and sobs. Wake the entire neighbourhood if possible.
14. Sit and cuddle in the dark with Daddy. Doze as required.
15. Tell Daddy that you want to go back to bed and sleep. When Daddy confirms that it is time to go to sleep, say “No.”
16. Repeat steps 14 and 15 several times.
17. Agree to go to sleep around 5 am.
18. Wait two minutes after door closes, then commence wailing and shrieking again.
19. When Mommy comes in, greet her with “O HAI MOMMY!”
20. Agree to go to sleep on condition that Mommy stays in the room with you.
21. Doze in your bed until Mommy can no longer stand it and has to go to the bathroom.
22. Scream and wail like your life depends on it.
23. When Mommy comes back in, note that she will be very, very cross. Greet her with an extra cheerful “O HAI MOMMY!” Tell her about your plans for the day.
24. Doze in your bed for awhile. Periodically talk to Piglet.
25. When Mommy says “SHHHHH”, repeat “SHHHHH”. When Mommy says “LIE DOWN” or “GO TO SLEEP”, repeat same in a very cheerful tone.
26. Repeat steps 24 and 25 as often as necessary.
27. If Mommy happens to doze off in her chair, wake her up by telling her something. It doesn’t matter what.
28. Wake for the day as fresh as a daisy, promptly at 6:50.
29. Agree to be a good girl and wait patiently in your bed while Mommy has a shower.
30. Shout and laugh and bounce around until you wake Daddy up.
31.Greet Daddy with “O HAI DADDY” and tell him about your plans for the day.
32. Have a giant poop waiting when Daddy goes to change your diaper.