Open Letter to the Shampoo People

Dear Shampoo Making People:

I am not happy with you.

You know the saying “ignorance is bliss”? Well, when you and the Big Mucky Mucks of your Company all get together and make your next decisions around the manufacture and marketing of your product, I want you to bear that in mind. Because nowhere is it more true than in the purchase and consumption of shampoo.

Let me illustrate.

Years ago, my husband and I bought your shampoo. It was a nice shampoo, greenish in colour I seem to recall, and it had a friendly, appealing label with flowers and birds and shit on it. It was nice. It was simple. And it went unchanged for many years.

It was a GOOD SHAMPOO. I would wash my hair, and TAA DAAAH. It was CLEAN. And smelled kinda nice.

But then, one day I went into the shampoo aisle at the store to restock our shampoo, only to find that it had changed. It was still the same friendly label, only now it was saying “25% MORE!” Well, who could resist THAT, right? So I bought lots. And we happily shampooed for weeks and weeks and weeks.

Maybe even months. It was the dark ages, and I remember I drank a lot back then, and subsisted on very little sleep. Could have been years.

Anyway. The time rolled around to go buy shampoo again. I went to get our old favourite shampoo, and it was not there! In it’s place was a bottle CLAIMING to be the same thing, only it was made with FRUIT!

FRUIT SHAMPOO! Well, I was confused.

But we tried it, and it was fine.

And then suddenly we started seeing your shampoo commercials all over the telly. Women were having orgasms because of your shampoo! They had taken to washing their hair in airplane bathrooms!

It was NEW! It was IMPROVED! It was TAKING OVER THE SHELVES!

But still at the store, there was one sad, lonely little column of the (now old, but once new) Fruit Shampoo. It was next to a whole shelf full of Orgasm Shampoo and Wash Me On An Airplane Conditioner. We clutched the bottles of Old Faithful Fruit Shampoo to our hearts, and whispered sweet nothings to it in the hopes it would never change.

And then.

Then, we went into the shampoo aisle. We were ASSAULTED. Assaulted by VARIETY. There was shampoo for every possible human condition under the sun.

There was Shampoo for Women who Insist They Are Still Under 30.

There was Shampoo for Hair That is Ever So Slightly Curly and Dyed a Particular Shade of Not Quite Brown.

There was shampoo for Single Men who Like to Bicycle in February.

There was Organic Shampoo Made with Unicorn Tears and Fairy Farts Harvested by Free Trade Agreement by the Indigenous Peoples of Eastern Tribecastan. (Hi Shannon! :fistbump::)

WHERE WAS THE SHAMPOO FOR PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT CLEAN HAIR AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

So I had to LEAVE YOU, Shampoo that We Have Used For Years. It’s not me, it’s YOU. And I took up with another shampoo.

A nice, bland, ordinary shampoo that says “SHAMPOO” on the label. No adjectives. No quantifiers. No special ingredients. No conditions. Just “SHAMPOO”.

(Okay, so it comes in 4 different scents. I can live with that.)

NOW. I walk into the store and go into the shampoo aisle. And what do I see?

My shampoo is sporting a “25% MORE” label.

It is the beginning of the end.

So I am here to tell you, Shampoo People: QUIT MESSING AROUND.

It’s enough to make a person go back to traditional methods of hair care. Like beating one’s head on a rock.

Sincerely,
A Peevish Consumer.

2 thoughts on “Open Letter to the Shampoo People

  1. *applause*

    I particularly like the classifications of shampoo and started giggling helplessly at the one for people who insist they’re under 30 🙂

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