Making Waves

It is yet another steamy week here in Suburbiaville. It is uncomfortably humid and warm. This means that it will be freezing cold and rainy for the one week we have booked to go home to Nova Scotia for a visit, as well as teeming with mosquitoes, and there will be a coating of ice on the pool.

Le sigh.

Today, we will be going for our regular weekly playdate with friends, except today? We are going swimming. This is good and bad.

It is good, obviously, for the fact that we can beat the heat and humidity for a little while. I like this. It is also good because this is the one day of the week where I can sometimes have our SUV to drive. My almost-fifteen-year-old car no longer has functioning air conditioning — the car’s worth $1500, and it would cost that much to fix or replace the A/C, so that’s a big NO — so on days when it is very hot and we have to drive to visit our friends, BDH lets me take the truck and he takes my car.

He’s a good man. A good man, who is right now sweating and putt-putt-putting along on his way to work, deafened by 4×60 air conditioning.

But back to swimming. It is also good because That Baby loves the water. She loves to splash and paddle and jump. She loves to float on her back in a life jacket. Mind you, swimming lessons were months ago, a distant memory in Toddler Time, so perhaps she will get to the pool today and freak out and DEAR DOG WHAT IS THAT THING FULL OF WATER??? It’s hard to say. But I think she will have fun.

Now, it’s not all sunshine and skittles, this swimming thing. For one thing, this means I HAVE TO BE SEEN IN A SWIMSUIT. There comes a certain age where you figure that when you purchase a swimsuit, it should also come with a supply of protective goggles for all those around you who must be subjected to the horror of Middle Aged Woman In Bathing Suit.

I have reached that age. It’s like trying to pack twenty pounds of sausage in a five-pound bag.

Normally, it’s not so bad if you are going to be somewhere, like swimming lessons, where you are surrounded by people who are also mom-shaped and enduring the trauma of wearing a bathing suit when they really do not want to. But today, we will be around people we KNOW. People who I would rather only see me fully clothed from head to toe — possibly even in a parka to hide all the unfortunateness of my mid-life figure. But I can’t, so I will suck it up because my kid wants to swim.

The other unfortunate thing…




The other unfortunate thing about going out in public in a swimsuit, is that, as a woman, and in particular a Stay-at-Home Mom type of Woman, it involves a fair amount of *ahem* “Womanscaping”.

If you are a SAHM, some days you are lucky to have even put on clothes that didn’t have some sort of stain or food substance or boogers or whatever on it, let alone wear something nice. Showers are, some days, a distant yet pleasant dream. You get up and put on WHATEVER and stumble through your days.

So on days when you actually DO manage to get showered and shampooed and shiny clean, tending the Ladygardens is the last thing on your mind. So when faced with the prospect of wearing a swimsuit in public, it requires a level of awareness and preparation that requires digging into the distant long-ago reaches of your consciousness, when you used to be an Attractive and Social Human Being.

I mean, oh my DOG. You want me to WHAT??? WHERE??

It’s not for the faint of heart.


It’s a dodgy proposition, this going swimming business. I mean, I don’t even know if I remember how to swim. I might just land in the water and sink like a rock. A fat, spandex-encased, well-groomed rock.

But you do these things for your kids. Because you love them. And you hope they will remember, and choose a nice home to put you in when you are old.

One without a swimming pool, of course.

11 thoughts on “Making Waves

  1. okay, point the first: at least you’re IN the water, so most things won’t even be seen/noticed.

    point the second: you *could*, if you choose, not care a rat’s ass about what anyone else thinks. I know it’s darn easy to say and far harder to actually practice, but it IS possible. And once you reach the mecca of “I don’t care what others think” stuff like bathing suits and sausage casings just don’t matter anymore. 🙂

  2. Might I recommend something sporty, in say, a boy-leg or a swim skirt/short? Me – I look like 100lbs of sausage in a 5 lb bag. Sounds logistically impossible, n’est pas?

  3. Preparing to visit family, where there is actual water to swim in – i.e. the ocean on the East Coast, I am desperately seeking a nice pair of board shorts … and those babies are not coming off. Makes it pretty obvious I’m hiding cellulite or other travesty, but it’s better than the alternative. BTW, I love the word Ladygardens – sounds like something Will Farrell would say (and I think Will Farrell is funny).

  4. Yeah, I got me a pair of long lycra jogging shorts. They cover all manner of sins. And the brand name is “Sugoi!” which is Japanese for “Wow!” or “No, really?” or an amalgam thereof. And that makes me laugh.

  5. WELL!!!I will have you know that the weather has taken a turn for the better or worst depending on how you look at it. The temps have been around 28-29 degrees and the humidity is through the roof.
    The ice melted in the pool and if you are quick and don’t think about it you can jump in without hurting yourself. At least not on the ice. And we also bought a gazebo to keep the big bugs from carrying you away.
    We will see you soon.

  6. Yes, but you KNOW as soon as Mother Nature knows we are coming, there will be cold November weather on the way. Even if it is August.

    But even still? We are looking forward to it.

    We have lots of bug spray.

  7. We have bug spray, bug lights and everything else you might think of. We will try to make your trip as comfortable as we can. Even checked into air conditioning but our windows will not allow that. But we have all kinds of fans to make you believe that it is cooler than it really is. As you know the weather in N.S. can be very hot through the day but usually it cools through the night so you can get some sleep.
    I can’t wait to see that body in a swimsuit. (like we really care) Who do you think will be looking at you? The babe is the one we will be enjoying in her bikini. Sorry to burst your bubble but that is just how it is. You and BDH are not the main attraction, a little girl with curly hair is the star of the show.
    And if it is cold, well, you will get a great night’s sleep and there is always the fireplace to take the chill off.

  8. Well we DO love the fireplace. But hot or cold, we are very excited to visit.

    And That Baby is of course the centre of attention. We’re not fooling ourselves. We’re merely Official Stinkerbelle Sherpas on the Grammmy and Grandad Tour 2010.

  9. ah ha ha ha!! Ladygarden!!! I know someone up there said it sounded like something Will Ferrell would say but it also reminds me of the SNL skits they have been doing this last year for women’s ESPN sports!!!

    Summer time = bathing suit time – Blech!

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