Rant in Twelve Directions

Okay I apologize in advance but this will be very RANTY. Normally I sit down and try to compose my thoughts before I post, but today I cannot.

Because OMGWTF GUYS GUYS OMFG EARWIG.

Now normally I pride myself on not getting skeeved out by many things. I like mice and snakes and rats and other things that normally make women go EEK.

(Okay, well there’s fish in their natural habitat. But dude. Come on. That makes perfect sense.)

I had gone out to bring in That Baby’s swim stuff off the clothesline. I came in and put it and the handful of clothes pegs down on the kitchen table.

It was then I felt something tickle my hand.

I don’t normally scream like a girl about stuff, but OMFG THERE WAS AN EARWIG CRAWLING ON MY HAND.

And I screamed like a girl.

There is very little on this earth as DISGUSTING as earwigs. Well, earwigs and centipedes. SHUDDER. And there are so many in the backyard right now it is horrible. One must have come in on the laundry.

I screeched and flailed and flapped my hands about like a hysterical bird, and the thing went flinging off. Stinkerbelle was laughing hysterically and I was trying not to retch as my skin crawled in twenty-seven different directions, so doG only knew where the damn thing landed.

It was somewhere in the kitchen, there where I was standing.

I looked all over the place, but not too hard. I didn’t want to lift something on the table or whatever only to get a sneak attack from Disgustobug.

I was so skeeved out. I wanted to vomit.

Fortunately or not, we have white tile floors, and after a bit of looking about I FOUND IT. It was cowering under the kick of our island, hopefully stunned and dying from the impact of my flailing and the velocity with which it smacked into the floor.

But it didn’t die. It MOVED.

Now I own three cats. Used to be four. So what else are cats good for, except bug hunting? I thought to myself “How I wish Bubby were here! She’d get rid of the damn thing for me.” Bubby was the CHAMP of bug hunters. Didn’t matter where they were in the house or where she was, I just had to call out, “BUBBY!!! Come get the UGLY BUG!” and she would be ON THE CASE.

But Bubby is not here. Cinnamon is afraid of individual air molecules. Lucy is the cat version of Cosmo Kramer, or maybe that squirrel from the Ice Age movies.

So I called Duncan.

And I am here to tell you right now, for the record, that OMG DUNCAN IS SO USELESS.

I SHOWED him where the earwig was. I pretty near PUSHED HIS DAMN HEAD NOSE TO NOSE with the ugly bug.

And, thanks to the Stupidest Cat in the Universe, who just SAT AND WATCHED it, I think it’s now taken refuge under the island.

I mean, as it crawled around looking for a hiding spot, the thing practically CRAWLED UP HIS BUTT.

And he was all “BUH??”

****SMACK****

So now, I sit outside watching That Baby in her pool, hiding from the Earwig Of Doom in my kitchen. I am still experiencing full body shivers of disgust and creepitude.

The Earwig of Disgustingosity and Vileness is RAMPAGING WILLY NILLY AROUND MY KITCHEN.

Duncan likely went off and fell asleep somewhere, completely unaware of anything around him.

I miss Opus.

Thank doG BDH is coming home early today.

20 thoughts on “Rant in Twelve Directions

  1. (shudder) I would include spiders in the earwig-and-centipede category also. And I feel your pain on the useless felines, I tried to get mine to eat a spider for me yesterday with no luck. Watch the spider, sure. Catch the spider, not so much.

  2. Earwigs are one of the groadyist (sp?) bugs out there. I hope you find its dead, dried up carcus toot suite!

  3. oh dude! I didn’t know what an earwig was and NOW…I WISH I DIDN’T!

    Damn you Google and The Internets for having pictures…I will now dream of earwigs all night long!!!

    Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..DUDE!! There. Is. One. In. Your. Kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. And Rana? A word of advice: If people are going all UUUUGGGGGHHH and WAAAAAHHHH and OMGWTFBBQ about something, DO NOT GOOGLE IT!

    NO GOOGLE! NO!

    ESPECIALLY NOT BEFORE BEDTIME!!

  5. I also hates the creepy crawlies, but my felines are pretty good in the bug hunting department. I just love watching them running around smacking their front paws together trying to catch a fly. What I don’t like? When they stare at a random part of the wall for several minutes at a stretch, cuz it always makes me think there’s a bug on the wall. Usually there isn’t, but it skeeves me out nonetheless.

  6. I agree – almost nothing worse. Cockroaches, maybe? Ugghhh. Yuck. I suppose there’s nothing left to do now but move!

  7. well I HAD to google it! Didn’t I, since I had no clue what an earwig was….and what if I had one in my house and didn’t know it and had been feeding it thinking it was some sort of cute little relative of Alot!

    Thankfully your UUUUUGHHH and WAAAAAAH’s helped me learn something yesterday – which is good because I only did one other thing yesterday so that makes two things now!

  8. Well that is a good start. Because you have to do THREE THINGS!

    I would tell you that you have to do ALL THE THINGS, but what are you, some kind of WIZARD? No. So just do Alot of Things.

  9. Three Things is ALOT – I don’t know if I can handle it…especially knowing the world is full of earwigs….and SLUGS!!!

    Did you know there are also SLUGS!!!

  10. Meh, he’s got those friendly little antennae thingies and he’s all looking at the camera smiling saying “HI! HOWYA DOIN’?” all friendly-like.

    Plus, you can kill him with, like, COFFEE GROUNDS.

    And he doesn’t have FIFTY BILLION LEGS AND PINCHERS OF DOOM LIKE THE EVIL SPAWN OF SATAN EARWIGS!

  11. I know but did you ever accidentally pick up a slug thinking it was a dog toy and then felt it’s squishy, grossness in your hands and screamed louder than a banshee and run around the yard dry heaving and trying to get the sticky-icky goo off your hands and than that night did you dream slugs were chasing you thru your yard all night?

    No, well I did – when I was about 14 – I haven’t been the same since!

    But “FIFTY BILLION LEGS AND PINCHERS OF DOOM LIKE THE EVIL SPAWN OF SATAN EARWIGS!” could, I suppose be traumatic too.

  12. Rana, how big was that slug that you thought it was a dog toy? EWWWWWW! Also, I heard on the news this morning that this area is experiencing an earwig population explosion. Brace yourselves!

  13. Well…at the time the slug was ((((((BIG)))))), huge , gigantic but I am sure in reality it was about the size of rock……so not so big but still icky, sticky and gooey!

    and oh brother – an explosion of earwigs does not sound good!

  14. um I was thinking the same thing… OMG how big was that damn slug. We have slugs here but they are, like, small pebble sized. Not rock sized. Ew.

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