So, it is Friday, but it is essentially a long weekend for many since yesterday was the Canada Day holiday.
So do you know what that means? It means that there are people around. Everywhere.
I don’t like people. They make me mental. On the internet, I can close my laptop and oh! People are GONE! But in real life, we are not so lucky.
You know my Naked Neighbours? They are NOT home. And so this means we have No Nakedness to worry about for a month! JOY!
They have a son. A book-smart-but-not-so-bright-in-life son. Who, inexplicably, they leave alone to his own devices while they go on these trips. Far too often for my liking, if you ask me, because he invariably does something stupid.
Two years ago? He had a party, in which undue noise was made, guests were drunkified, and neighbours were pissed off. But worse still, against the expressed wishes of His Mother.
Last year? He was having a girlfriend living with him while they were away. So he invented a story that he was out cycling and got hit by a car and ended up in hospital for several days and then needed supervision and help cooking meals “so my FRIEND volunteered to come and take care of me”.
Uh huh. AND, in the process, trashed the house. (With the help of friends. No explanation why they had to be there.) Well, I’ll give him points for ingenuity; it wasn’t a PARTY per se.
But still… Bad decision AGAIN.
This year? He came out Wednesday evening and said to me, “Uh, you know how my mom said ‘no parties’? Well…” and then proceeded to tell me he was having a party on Saturday night.
So, as I see it, he’s combining the two elements of his epic screwups of the past two summers: 1) having a party against the expressed wishes of His Mother, and (as I watch a poor facsimile of Miley Cyrus pull up and let herself into the house with her own key) 2) having people living in the house.
Oy. This boy is full of stupid.
So, here’s the thing I want to say to him. When judging the relative WIN- vs FAIL-ness of your plan — putting aside the fact that your plans of the last two summers have been complete disasters, and the fact that neighbours will kick your ass AND tell your mom if you are noisy on Saturday at even a MINUTE past 11 pm, and the fact that OMGWTFYOURMOMSAIDNO!!!! — when did it seem like a good debate tactic to argue the merits of your plan with me by coming at me with “Uh, you know how my mom said no parties? Well…”?
ON WHAT PLANET IS THIS A GOOD PLAN?
So, when BDH inevitably marches over there after 11 pm on Saturday night, at least once, and tells them to STFU, and when other neighbours inevitably go over there after 11 pm on Saturday night, at least once, and tell them to STFU, and when eventually we call the cops and ask them to come over after 11 pm on Saturday night, at least once, and tell them to STFU… when, if at all, do you think it will occur to him that “Hm. Perhaps this was not my BEST LAID plan.”
Judging from past experience, probably never.
We’re getting the power tools ready for work on Sunday morning, bright and early, though… just to help drive the lesson home. And if anyone wants to come over and chop some wood with a power saw or cut my lawn with a gas-powered weed whacker or chop up a metal double-bed frame with an articulating saw, just let me know. I’ll supply the ear protection. And I’ll put on a FULL pot of coffee. And make you some muffins.