May
5
I have not, nor have I ever been, a purveyor of bouncy castles.
I know. This shocks you.
It is true. I have never sold, nor manufactured, nor purchased, nor manufactured for the purpose of selling or purchasing, or even RENTED, a bouncy castle. As a matter of fact, I have no intention, insofar as the future looks to me, of ever selling, renting, manufacturing or purchasing any such bouncy castle apparatuses. Apparati. Whatever.
And yet? As soon as winter becomes spring, as soon as warm sunshine replaces cold and snow, as surely as the earth tilts on its axis, our phone begins to ring. And ring and ring and ring.
It rings with people wishing to rent bouncy castles.
Our number is, apparently, one number off the number that is plastered on signs tacked to phone poles and sticking up on lawns and whatnot all over the region, that you would phone IF you were interested in a bouncy castle.
Note, however, it is NOT our number. And yet, this fact escapes many, many people.
So year after year, I have to tell them that, no, in fact, I am not going to rent them a bouncy castle. That is, of course, if I pick up the phone. However, there is no helping the dolts who, when faced with an answering machine that CLEARLY says “BDH and Cinnamon’s house” and NOT “The Company From Which You Might Rent Bouncy Castles”, STILL insist on leaving a message telling us they want to rent a bouncy castle for the weekend of the 31st.
Or the ones who call to confirm their reservation of a bouncy castle. And when they — SURPRISE! — do not get a call back, call again and again and leave repeated messages about their reservation of a bouncy castle on the 17th between 2 and 4.
ALL AFTER HEARING A MESSAGE THAT INDICATES TO ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAIN THAT THIS IS A PRIVATE RESIDENCE AND NOT THE COMPANY THEY TALKED TO WHENEVER TO RENT A BOUNCY CASTLE.
Ahem.
In the beginning, the first time it happened, I actually DID call the woman back who wished to reserve her bouncy castle and tell her that she’d been calling the wrong number. She was less than grateful, and then wanted ME to look up the CORRECT number for her.
After that, I decided I hate the bouncy castle rental people, bouncy castles in and of themselves, and all people who bounce therein.
I have considered, in the past, just stringing people along. I have thought about coming up with some facts and figures and just leading people down the garden path. “Okay, you want one for the afternoon of the 3rd? No problem. You want the deluxe or the regular? The regular? How much? Uhhhhhh… $250. Yeah. $250.” Or coming up with some elaborate song-and-dance about how, yes, we can come to Little Jayden/Aiden/Brayden/Hayden/Caden/Caitlin/Catelynn/Katelyn/Quaatelynnneeee’s birthday and for a mere $50 more we can guarantee a special appearance by Sir Bounce-A-Lot and the lovely Maid Hairflyin’ and also make balloon animals.
And then not showing up.
But it got to be too complicated. And really? I don’t care enough to really sell it.
But the calls keep coming.
So I am here, RIGHT HERE AND NOW, to tell the world that I AM NOT THE ALL-KNOWING ALL-SEEING GURU AND RENTER OF ALL THINGS BOUNCY CASTLE RELATED IN THE GREATER SOUTHERN ONTARIO REGION. Okay? Hear this NOW: You have the WRONG FUCKING NUMBER. I have NO BOUNCY CASTLES, and I will NEVER HAVE BOUNCY CASTLES.
The next sound you hear will be my head banging on the desk. Repeatedly.
