Rumours of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

So, my peeps, I have told you, MANY MANY TIMES, that Teh Internets are not a safe and friendly place. They are filled with many people with ill intentions, which is why I never post our names, or unprotected photos, or any of that stuff. I mean, we’ve been hacked in the past, but this week we’ve learned of another shady character lurking around blogdom.

Oh yes. We have discovered A BLOG STALKER.

Between 1 am and 2 am on March 23, somebody did a LOT OF SEARCHING through my blog.

A lot of people have had really nasty experiences with blog stalkers. They can be really nasty pieces of work. Now, to be fair, in this case, it seems that this is DEFINITELY NOT the case with our blog stalker.

Generally speaking, most blog stalkers are just stupid people who try to glean information from your blog, and most of the time, they are looking for gossip or, more specifically, if you are talking about THEM. Because they do not care about what you are writing — unless it is about THEMSELVES.

It is always, in fact, ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES.

So we are not too worried. A look at the searches our blog stalker employed to get around in my blog are full of terms that let me know, quite specifically, who they are and what they were looking for. The Google-fu, it is NOT strong with this one. Oh no.

(I can’t lie. The search for “cinnamonopus air conditioner dad” just about made me pee my pants.)

Also? We have two stats counters on the go, so we know where they are, and what their IP address is… so we are not concerned.

We are, however, endlessly diverted. It has been hilarious looking through this stuff and seeing what they were searching for. And equally fun was knowing that they were stonewalled at every search. Because, DUDE. I am SO not going to post that kind of stuff on TEH INTERWEBS.

I mean, COME ON.

So we had a giggle about it. In fact, quite a few of them.

But then Kelly emailed me this morning to tell me that my stalker showed up on HER blog. And here’s the kicker: they googled “cinnamonopus death” to get there.

CINNAMONOPUS DEATH. Did you SEE that?

DUDE. They were searching for ME, and DEATH.

Now, I am famous for getting email from remarkable people. Santa emailed me once. Also, so did the Pope. But the piece de resistance, the spam-to-end-all-spam, was of course when I got the email from DEATH. So I got to thinking, and there are a few possible scenarios:

1. Somebody was searching for me because they think I am dead. DUDE. Would I still be blogging if I were dead?

2. Somebody thought that by typing in “cinnamonopus death” that it would send a command out into the universe and I would, instantaneously, drop dead. Well, that is CERTAINLY some optimism right there. Either that, or they are not really clued in on how this whole Internets thing works. Either way, I gotta think they are disappointed right now. Possibly they should have started small, with “cinnamonopus toothache” or “cinnamonopus sick” or something.

3. Somebody knew I got an email from Death, and was trying to horn in on my action. Well all I can say to that is: Honey, you want to get in on my fantastic spam email? Too bad. You need to start SMALL, and work your way UP to the likes of Santa and The Pope and Death. Try talking to Kelly. Her appliances are ALWAYS emailing and insulting her, and I am SURE she’d be happy to pass on your email address to them.

4. I am dead, and nobody bothered to tell me. Well, I HAVE been tired recently. But you would think SOMEBODY would make mention of it if I were actually DEAD.

So, blog stalkers of the world, you’re going to have to get up PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING… no wait, you did that, and it didn’t work.

Lemme try that again: Okay, blog stalkers, you can’t beat the power of the stats programs to monitor your every click and search. We’re watching you, and having a whole helluva lot of fun doing so.

And for the rest of my friends out there, to set your mind at ease, I just have to quote Mark Twain and let you know that “Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated”.

69 thoughts on “Rumours of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

  1. Next time, you TOTALLY have to give me a head’s up. For seeing “cinnamonupus dead” on my keyword analysis was QUITE a jolt to the system.

    And I’d be QUITE happy to pass their email along to Basil, if they need more backhanded validation in their world. He’s good for that.

    “cinnamonopus toothache”

    An instant classic.

  2. DUDE. If I had KNOWN that they were searching for DEATH, do you not think you would have heard the WAAAAHmbulance all the way down in Alaska, where you currently reside?

    Unless you are in on the conspiracy, and I am, in actual fact, quite dead. And you did not tell me. In which case, IT IS SO ON.

  3. Oh YEAH? I double dog DARE you to come and FIND me in Alaska! I don’t care WHO is emailing you. You’ll NEVER find me in ALASKA.

    And while I’m often to polite to mention that you might need a shower, you’ve NEVER been so bad as to make me think you were dead.

    Well, except after that one long night of drunk IMing, but I don’t like to mention that.

  4. ALASKA is BIG, I get that. It must also always be written in CAPITALS. But I am not discouraged! If Teh Stoopid can find you, so can I! I will just email your appliances for DIRECTIONS.

    DUDE. You KNOW some days it’s a DECISION as to whether or not I should change my shirt, but the baby barfs way less now.

    And don’t even start on the drunk IMing, you put it out there for all Teh Intarwebs to see ALREADY.

  5. Well, I’d watch out for that dishwasher. It’s a DAMN liar. Also? It can’t spell for shit. Oh wait. Neither can MY stalker.

    And there was more than ONE night of drunk IMing. WAY back when we drank. Or IMed.

    But if you even TRIED to get to me in ALASKA and you are actually dead, I’d smell you LONG before you got to me and I’d be able to FLEE.

  6. I think I know what is up here!!!

    I am on to the whole “situation” (ahem nod to the Jersey Shores there)

    I think the APPLIANCES and SANTA and the POPE have all decided to rail against you by making Kelly think you, Cinn, are DEAD!

    Also, if you look really hard from your house in ALASKA you can see RUSSIA!

    So, we will in fact be able to find you in Alaska!

  7. I think I know what is up here!!!

    I am on to the whole “situation” (ahem nod to the Jersey Shores there)

    I think the APPLIANCES and SANTA and the POPE have all decided to rail against you by making Kelly think, you Cinn, are DEAD!

    Also, if you look really hard from your house in ALASKA you can see RUSSIA!

    So, we will in fact be able to find you in Alaska!

  8. Oh and have I mentioned I sleep walk at night…sometimes I order pizza on the phone and sometimes I BLOG STALK – HEE!

  9. OHO! I KNEW Rana would be all up in ALASKA’s grill like BEANS, man!

    And YOU do not want to MESS with Rana, you stalkers! She will lay down some WHOOP ASS on ALL y’all, because SHE? Knows about YOU and RUSSIA.

  10. That’s RUSSIA? Sheeeeit. I thought it was farther away than THAT.

    We desperately need t-shirts that have CTRL-ALT-DEAD on them.

    Or for YOU (Cinn) one that reads, “I survived my own death! Spring 2010!!”

    Do they even HAVE beans in Russia?

  11. I would SO buy those t-shirts.

    Also, one with a google search of “cinnamonopus toothache”.

    Or a simple one that just says “ALASKAAAAAAAAAAA!”

  12. You would think, however, that if it WERE Rana blog stalking me in the middle of the night while she’s sleep walking (in southern Ontario, which is a feat unto itself)…

    Dude. You’d THINK she’d be good enough to order us a pizza while she’s at it. I’m just sayin’.

  13. Bet she’s got something to do with that air conditioner dad business, too. I’d blame you, but being in ALASKA and all, you don’t really have a need for an air conditioner.

  14. Interesting. You’d think the glare from all that snow would mean you need some.

    Well, that and all the glare from the nuclear ‘splosions in Russia.

  15. But see, for much of the year it’s DARK ALL THE TIME.

    The nuclear ‘splosions? Heck, ‘ol Al down at the whale shop gives out worse ‘splosions than THAT after Edith’s tuna bean surprise casserole.

  16. Well this explains a lot about why ALASKA is always in capital letters.

    I often feel the need to put an exclamation mark after it but that seems to jazz hands! for you tough people in Texas, ALASKA.

  17. I gotta tell ya THAT pizza – it was G.O.O.D….but it wouldn’t have been even better in Alaskaaaaaaaaa!

    And ya, I an feat unto myself when I sleepwalking so the Ontario thing TOTALLY could have happened!

    Also, did you know – “Soylent green is made of people….PEOPLE!

    I blame the Alaskans!

  18. Oh Dudes! The grammar in that last post was…shall I say…awful!

    I blame it on the Pope! And Death…and Cinn’s toothache!

  19. Well we all know the beans they are the evil! Or at least SOME people think so….me I kinda like the beans!

  20. Dude. SO not right. You could have at least TOLD ME. Emailed me or SOMETHING.

    No wonder I have been so sore recently. I thought it was from exercise, but it was just RIGOR MORTIS setting in.

  21. Oh RIGOR MORTIS – she’s a bitch I tell ya! I mean if you just had RIGOR or MORTIS…but the two of them together…it just spells t.r.o.u.b.l.e!!!

  22. Ahhhhhhh, Cinn, Kelly, Rana…Rana, Kelly, Cinn, ahhhhh, Cinn, Kelly, Cinn, Kelly, Kelly, Rana, Cinn aaaahhhhh, too much to read. Moral of the story: glad you’ve been reincarnated.

  23. Wowsa, that’s a lot of commenting! -K, I want to know how you figure out where people have been clicking and such. How do I get that program???

    S Blog stalker, DON’T mess with Rana…girlfriend has some serious pent-up adoption stress and she will kick your ass if provoked!

  24. ah ha ha ha – don’t knock the beans or the pizza but especially the bean pizza!!

    She’s alive, alive…ALIVE!

    Uh ya, no, she’s dead!

  25. Pingback: Day 88 – Dessert | Guilty Squid

  26. You blame Cinn – that’s not nice she has a toothache and is sick and quite possible dead!

    I’m thinkin’ sushi for lunch….

  27. I made rice pudding. But it seems I am the only person in my house that LIKES rice pudding.

    AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, toooooo baaaaaad! ::grin::

    If anyone needs me, I’ll be filling my face.

  28. Okay, all this post does is make me want to go Google things like “Cinnamonopus death” to see what comes up. Cannot resist.

    Damn, CO, you’ve turned me into a stalker!

  29. I know! I did it too.

    UNLESS…. Alana, you’re not hoping to send out a command over the Interwebs and kill me dead, are you? Because I have to say, that’s not very friendly.

    Also? I’m pretty sure it won’t work.

  30. Why, why, why, does Teh Internets have to have CREEPY STALKERS on it??!!! CREEPY STALKERS NEED TO GET A LIFE!!

    Glad to hear you are not dead. I would really miss you. šŸ˜€

  31. I just noticed the time stamp on my last post. I’m not creepy stalking you, I just have a weird work schedule and it is only midnight at my house. Just saying.

  32. So I had to search “Alana death,” too, just to see what happens. And I found out that I am the author of a how-to book for obituary writers:

    http://www.deathbeat.com/mybook.html

    Go out and buy a copy! Then you’ll have all the tips and tricks you need to write your own obit, which is important, since you are dead.

  33. I just had to pop back over to say that someone made it to our blog yesterday by searching “Xander yoga to the people.”

    WHAT?!

  34. I just Googled “Cinnamon Opus death” for fun and this post has already been indexed.. yay.. way to increase your page rank!

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