So, my peeps, I have told you, MANY MANY TIMES, that Teh Internets are not a safe and friendly place. They are filled with many people with ill intentions, which is why I never post our names, or unprotected photos, or any of that stuff. I mean, we’ve been hacked in the past, but this week we’ve learned of another shady character lurking around blogdom.
Oh yes. We have discovered A BLOG STALKER.
Between 1 am and 2 am on March 23, somebody did a LOT OF SEARCHING through my blog.
A lot of people have had really nasty experiences with blog stalkers. They can be really nasty pieces of work. Now, to be fair, in this case, it seems that this is DEFINITELY NOT the case with our blog stalker.
Generally speaking, most blog stalkers are just stupid people who try to glean information from your blog, and most of the time, they are looking for gossip or, more specifically, if you are talking about THEM. Because they do not care about what you are writing — unless it is about THEMSELVES.
It is always, in fact, ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES.
So we are not too worried. A look at the searches our blog stalker employed to get around in my blog are full of terms that let me know, quite specifically, who they are and what they were looking for. The Google-fu, it is NOT strong with this one. Oh no.
(I can’t lie. The search for “cinnamonopus air conditioner dad” just about made me pee my pants.)
Also? We have two stats counters on the go, so we know where they are, and what their IP address is… so we are not concerned.
We are, however, endlessly diverted. It has been hilarious looking through this stuff and seeing what they were searching for. And equally fun was knowing that they were stonewalled at every search. Because, DUDE. I am SO not going to post that kind of stuff on TEH INTERWEBS.
I mean, COME ON.
So we had a giggle about it. In fact, quite a few of them.
But then Kelly emailed me this morning to tell me that my stalker showed up on HER blog. And here’s the kicker: they googled “cinnamonopus death” to get there.
CINNAMONOPUS DEATH. Did you SEE that?
DUDE. They were searching for ME, and DEATH.
Now, I am famous for getting email from remarkable people. Santa emailed me once. Also, so did the Pope. But the piece de resistance, the spam-to-end-all-spam, was of course when I got the email from DEATH. So I got to thinking, and there are a few possible scenarios:
1. Somebody was searching for me because they think I am dead. DUDE. Would I still be blogging if I were dead?
2. Somebody thought that by typing in “cinnamonopus death” that it would send a command out into the universe and I would, instantaneously, drop dead. Well, that is CERTAINLY some optimism right there. Either that, or they are not really clued in on how this whole Internets thing works. Either way, I gotta think they are disappointed right now. Possibly they should have started small, with “cinnamonopus toothache” or “cinnamonopus sick” or something.
3. Somebody knew I got an email from Death, and was trying to horn in on my action. Well all I can say to that is: Honey, you want to get in on my fantastic spam email? Too bad. You need to start SMALL, and work your way UP to the likes of Santa and The Pope and Death. Try talking to Kelly. Her appliances are ALWAYS emailing and insulting her, and I am SURE she’d be happy to pass on your email address to them.
4. I am dead, and nobody bothered to tell me. Well, I HAVE been tired recently. But you would think SOMEBODY would make mention of it if I were actually DEAD.
So, blog stalkers of the world, you’re going to have to get up PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING… no wait, you did that, and it didn’t work.
Lemme try that again: Okay, blog stalkers, you can’t beat the power of the stats programs to monitor your every click and search. We’re watching you, and having a whole helluva lot of fun doing so.
And for the rest of my friends out there, to set your mind at ease, I just have to quote Mark Twain and let you know that “Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated”.