Yo. Molars! —
Look. I have tried to be reasonable. Really I have. Yes, okay, MAYBE I called you out yesterday. But dude. We’re on day eleventeen of minimal sleep. What did you expect?
But here’s the thing. We are tired. We are fed up. And it is YOUR. FAULT.
And to add insult to injury, last night’s episode came after BDH got home well after midnight after playing two games of soccer. So he’s going on next to no sleep. And me? Well, thanks to my fitful sleep, my CPAP machine got tangled in the duvet or something, and it got turned over, thereby causing me to leap out of bed at 4:30 am and empty the entire contents of the reservoir all over the carpet rather than risk damage to the machine and having to pay $1500 to have it replaced.
So you know what? I am DONE being reasonable. You have caused enough trouble and misery around here recently. Oh yes. So I have decided to lay blame directly in YOUR lap. I have decided that it is ALL your fault. That’s right. EVERYTHING.
ALL on YOU, molars.
So, the fact that it’s raining and crappy outside? Well, if I were not so tired I’d still probably want to go out and run errands and stuff. But I don’t. SO? Your fault.
MY teeth and jaws hurt? Well, if I didn’t have to drink so much caffeine to stay awake during the daytime I would sleep better at night and wouldn’t grind my teeth. Therefore… ALSO your fault.
Duncan knocked the entire toolbox full of screws and nails and nuts and bolts all over the carpet? Well, he’s just trying to keep himself amused in the other room, well away from the crankypants adults he would normally play with. So THAT is your fault also.
OH YES, molars. Give me a few minutes and I will find a way to blame you for EVERYTHING.
Rhonda and Shelley’s kids keeping them up at night? Bastard molars. That’s an easy one.
Kelly has to hire more carers for her Nana? Well, molars, she’s got a lot on her plate nowadays. But you know, maybe she would feel a little less stressed if she had someone to call and vent to about her troubles. A friend to make her laugh. But OH YES, guess whose friend is SO TIRED and dealing with a crabby baby and can’t come to the phone? That’s right molars — ME. And that is ALL ON YOU.
Rana didn’t get a court date? Well, if I were not so sleep deprived, I would have gotten our name change paperwork in earlier, thereby freeing up somebody in the halls of bureaucracy here in Canada to get another adoptive parent’s file done faster, thereby freeing up more time to help with the caseload of other bureacrats, which then would have allowed them to get on the phone and get stuff done faster in their counterparts’ offices in Africa, which then would have freed up time for another worker to find out what is going on with the files on HIS desk, one of which happens to be RANA’s.
You see how this works? And I am just getting started, you bastard molars.
So as far as I am concerned, the entire WORLD can blame everything on you. I don’t care. Because you are making our lives rough.
Here’s the deal, molars: You come through, and stop all this achy paining hurting business at all hours of the night? And I will put in a kind word about you to everyone. I’ll even find a way to push the blame elsewhere. I hear swine flu is a good candidate. World hunger, maybe. And doG knows there are a raft of politicians out there screwing up we could blame stuff on (although with George W. Bush gone, the choices are far less obvious.)
So whaddya say, molars? Cut us a little break and cut through already.
Willing to negotiate, but still cheesed,
That Baby’s very tired Mom.