I have taken a billion photos of That Baby. Okay, not a billion, but a LOT. I can fire off 200 shots in a moment, just snapping away as she goes about the business of being her. And she’s so cute, it works for her. But one thing I really regret is that I have no shots of the two of us together during her first year. Well, to be fair, I probably have one or two. But I have no shots of me snuggling with her or rocking her, or giving her a bottle, or the two of us making faces in the bathroom mirror (as we do every morning). There are all these incredible, special moments that the two of us share that are not captured. I wish I had them for her.
It’s hard. I am on the other side of the camera. I have taken so many photos of her, when she is older and looks back on them, she can’t doubt that I am absolutely enchanted with her. But if something were to happen to me, as it did with my mother, I want her to have pictures of us together, so she will see the moments that I live with her right now. I want her to have pictures of the two of us and our time together. And I am not talking about cheesy posed portraits. I want pictures of us that capture who we are, and what it looks like for us to be mother and daughter.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have an absolute dread of having my picture taken. I am incredibly unphotogenic. Or perhaps it is just that I cannot reconcile the reality of the ugly me that I see in photos with the attractive picture of me I have in my mind’s eye. Either way, I loathe getting my picture taken. So you have to understand, that for me to want to have pictures of myself, it must be a big deal.
The thing is, I am hoping that my daughter feels differently about me than I do. I am hoping that she loves me, regardless of how I look, and wants to have those pictures of me after I am gone. I am hoping that she wants to remember me and see our special moments together. I am hoping that she thinks I am pretty because I am her mom. I am hoping that she loves me and will see how much I love her in those pictures.
I want to always be with her. I want my love for her to always be with her. And pictures can be something that gives that to her.
Only I don’t have any. Her first year is gone, and I have nothing to show her what incredible joy she has brought into my life, or how much she has changed me, or how much I love her. It’s one of my biggest regrets in life.