Irrational

I am in a bad mood today. Really foul. For no good reason.

No, that’s not entirely true. I think hormones are mostly to blame, with a side order of tired just to make things interesting. But whatever it is, it feels fairly irrational. And that makes me even more peevish.

I know the irrational, hormone-induced bad mood well now after my years of infertility treatments. I can spot it a mile off. It’s smirking and pointing and laughing at me for being upset at nothing, really, and KNOWING I have no rational reason to be upset makes me even MORE upset. Which makes it an even BETTER prank pulled by my stupid hormones.

Here are some examples, to illustrate my irrationality.

  1. The neighbour provides music lessons in her home. Her students are, to a person, all really BAD at parking their cars. They cannot seem to grasp the concept that, while they are trying not to block the neighbour’s driveway, they are blocking MINE with the ass ends of their cars. This despite the fact that there is a 3-car-long length of curb not 15 feet away where they could park without annoying anyone. So, this morning, sure enough, one of the stupid people blocked my driveway. And I was almost enraged by this. Which would be fine, except my car is still on the fritz and so I won’t be driving anywhere today. So, really, I have no NEED for a clear driveway today.
  2. I brought tears to my daughter’s eyes today because I snapped at her. She was covered in poop, and I was trying to change her, and had hoisted her up by the ankles a little bit. She was clawing at my hands trying to get them to let go. And that battle got a new clean diaper all dirty, so I wasted a diaper. That cost me, what, 10 cents? And I snapped at her to stop. For 10 freaking cents, I brought tears to my baby girl’s eyes.
  3. I ate chocolate covered caramel snack cake at 9 am. Something I generally don’t even EAT. Something so sweet it made my teeth hurt. And I inhaled the damn thing.
  4. My husband called me on the drive to work. And just the sound of his voice and him being kind to me made me cry.

It’s frustrating to sit back and look at this stuff, and KNOW it makes no sense to be upset or angry or whatever, and be unable to stop. Such is the power of the hormones. Most women know it well. And all you can do is ride it out, and do your best to keep an even keel.

It’s not easy. You have to come up with coping strategies. Mine involve baked goods.

As those of you along for the ride will remember, the hormones in my infertility treatment induced a baking frenzy. It was a veritable baked goods extravaganza around here. If there was the smell of fresh-baked bread emanating from my house, you just knew there were hormones at play. If every available piece of tupperware was chock-full of baked goods, the bank account was getting lower and my hormone levels were getting higher.

Well, thankfully, it’s not that bad. It’s not a bread-baking hormonal day. More like a batch-of-muffins type of day. Although it could escalate into a coffeecake-level of hormones type of day. It’s hard to say. It could go either way, really.

So, yes. Not only are hormones making me mental enough that I might need to bake to feel better, but to add insult to injury, my dieting means I cannot even EAT what I bake.

I hate feeling irrational. I hate hormones.

I’m going to go yell at the car blocking my driveway for awhile.

9 thoughts on “Irrational

  1. I once had to take hormones following lady-parts surgery. It was awful. AWFUL. We went to see Spiderman, and when Peter Parker discovered he could no longer make webs, I cried. CRIED. It was just so sad. I mean, poor guy just wanted to save the world. And there he was on top of a building trying to shoot stuff out of his wrist and NOTHING WAS COMING OUT! How could the world be so unjust to such a sweet guy?! Tragedy, I tell you. I’ll never get over the trauma.

  2. Oh yes, I know it well. I feel your pain. I remember it took about 3 days of injections for things to REALLY kick in, but BDH would come into the room and I’d be just BAWLING. And he’d ask what was wrong, and I’d wail “I-I-I-I D-D-DON’T KNOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!”

    Hormones suck.

  3. Oh I understand! My hormones are all raging waiting for E’s visa. I bought a chocolate bar and had the whole thing devoured by the time I hit 2 miles out of town on the highway….pathetic. But sometimes you just got to cave to the goodies to feel just a tad bit better about yourself.

    And then I said to the husband last night, I feel like kicking something or throwing a shoe at another thing…and his response “make sure it’s not in the house”….sigh.

  4. Hmmmmmmm….THAT time of the month always sends me into a tailspin!!! Hence, my influx of emails to you yesterday bemoaning how sad I am – Muffins might make me feel better though!

    Oh and I say YELL at that car – it is in the WAY for crying out loud and because you are hormonal gives you just cause.

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