Hot Air and Beans

Come, my peeps. Let us take a break from the judgement-impaired people currently whoring their children’s personal life stories for a cheap 15 minutes of fame. (All together now: “But I wanted an OOOOOOORRRRRRPHHHAAAANNNN!”) Let us take a respite from the tabloid drivel that passes for news for certain “news” organizations (motto: “We don’t care if it’s the TRUTH! We just want viewers so we keep our jobs!”). And let us talk about something IMPORTANT. Something GOOD. Something REAL.

Yes. That’s right. I am talking about BEANS.

The simple bean, source of comfort. Source of energy. Source of farts. I mean, seriously. Who doesn’t love a good bean, I ask you? (And if you do not love a good bean, well shush now. I have had all the angst I can stand for this week.)

Beans are healthy, economical, and oft times, tasty. So in that vein, I decided to embark on a new culinary adventure. I am making — wait for it — BAKED BEANS.

I know. Crazy that I have never made baked beans before, yes? But the truth is, I do not like baked beans. Well, that is not entirely true. I have never liked CANNED baked beans, which is all I have honestly ever had. But everybody raves about baked beans, REAL baked beans, so I thought to myself, “Self? Why not try it?”

And I decided THIS would be the week. (Look at me menu planning! Am I not domestic? Am I not economical?)

So I looked at recipes, and there was one in a Canadian Living cookbook. I purchased beans. I put a reminder in my calendar in case said beans needed to be soaked overnight. (They did not. Whew.) I preboiled the beans. I let them sit. I boiled them for a half hour until tender, despite the annoyances of beans boiling over onto a ceramic cooktop SEVERAL times. I was READY.

And then… it all came to a screeching halt when I realized I had no canned tomatoes for the damn thing.

So. I have a buttload of beans in a bucket on my counter. I have chopped this and that in a container. I have ketchup. I have molasses. All sitting there, looking forlorn. With no medium into which they may be stirred to become tasty baked beany goodness.

At least not today. Maybe tomorrow, after a trip to the store.

So now, not only do I have no idea what to make for supper, but I have a fridge full of not-baked-beans.

I knew there was a reason I didn’t like baked beans. I don’t get these kinds of hassles from kidney beans.

58 thoughts on “Hot Air and Beans

  1. Ooops. I may have blogged a wee bit about a judgment impaired person and a questionable news network. Whoopsie.

    The bean situation? I cannot believe that you – you of the two billion tomatoes grown each year – haven’t any tomatoes canned and ready to go.

    As we have previously established, tomatoes are the stars of the show.

  2. I know. Today is a day of culinary EPIC FAIL.

    “But all I wanted was TOMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTOOOOES!”

    I wonder if there will be an expose of baked bean cooking fiascoes now on the CBC.

  3. I don’t want to hear ANY happy baked bean stories. If I wanted THOSE, I would look elsewhere.

    Clearly, there needs to be a total reform of all baked bean recipes.

  4. I can’t believe you went all the way to the market for buttermilk and not one can of tomatoes fell into your cart.

    I WILL except responsiblity for your whatsis falling off to get the buttermilk but nothing else!!!!

    Rana

  5. You don’t choose to focus on the HUNDREDS of happy baked bean cooks, do you? NOOOOOO. You just want to focus on the ONE THAT WENT WRONG.

  6. I KNOW some of those happy baked bean cooks. They are my CLOSE AND PERSONAL friends. But just because Tyler Florence did ONE episode of baked beans doesn’t mean that EVERYONE should run right out and try for a perfect dish of baked beans.

    OBVIOUSLY if there are a FEW bad episodes of baked beans, that is indicative of a REAL problem.

  7. I blame Rana. She led me to believe that if I WENT TO THE STORE, I would come home HAPPY with a cart FULL of GOODNESS.

    It’s not my fault!

  8. CinnamonOpus, Note that I did not have a perfect baked bean story. I too had incorrect ingredients and a cracked dish. It’s what you make of it!!!

  9. Look, I’m a big supporter of the baked beans here, but there are thousands of other bean dishes right there in Canada that need to be cooked. Why not focus on them first before picking a baked bean recipe?

  10. Who told you that if you went to the store you would come home HAPPY with HEALTHY, NO PROBLEMS, FULL of GOOODNESS food!

    Not me, that’s who.

    In fact, if you had the READ the recipe correctly, it would have told you NOT ALL BEANS ARE FREE FROM PROBLEMS.

    If only we lived in a world where all beans are PERFECT!!

  11. Not to mention those people who insist that the only GOOD beans are the ones that are grown themselves!!!! How DARE you even THINK of taking beans from someone ELSE’S garden!! Do you know for a FACT that the original farmer was willing to give those beans away?? NO. No you do NOT.

    Of course, growing your OWN beans does not insure a perfect baked bean dish, but STILL.

  12. awww…Kelly thanks! *blush*

    Here is what I want to know – why do people who can grow beans no problem whatsoever feel they have the right to tell people who are bean barren how and where they should build their baked bean recipes!!! It. Drives. Me. Crazy.

  13. Because CLEARLY only those who CAN grow their own beans SHOULD.

    Or some variation such drivelly rantyish ness.

    (I’m creating my own version of English today. And I LIKE it.)

    But those other people are just trying to be popular like TYLER FLORENCE. Who has like SIX baked bean recipes. THREE he grew himself!!!!11!!1!!!

    (Eleventy ones ROCK!)

  14. Oh sure, not EVERYONE who makes baked beans does it to be like Tyler Florence you know! SHEESH. People don’t invest that kind of time and money and emotions into making baked beans just to be like TYLER FLORENCE!

  15. Oh sure, they SAY they don’t. But if it wasn’t to be like Tyler Florence then they’d just go for navy beans, or kidney beans, or even green beans.

    But I don’t see THAT, do I?

  16. TYLER FLORENCE looks like he is one talented bean – and his wife is one hot bean with a bean in the oven in the photos! Is it REALLY true that everyone wants to be TYLER FLORENCE?

    Why aren’t people content enough to be the unique and beautiful bean they are???? Why can’t all BEANS JUST GET ALONG?!

    eleventy one does rock!!!!

  17. oh and yes – Tyler Florence could cook my beans anytime šŸ˜‰ So could John Cusack – what? Did I just say that!

  18. Randomly, as an aside,

    Rana, you’d be surprised how suggestive an episode of Tyler Florence can sound.

    Cinn, remember all the times we SWORE he was talking dirty?

    High comedy, that.

  19. As for all beans getting along, there is the infamous 3 bean salad. But then, people are always looking shifty like at it.

    I mean, it just goes against NATURE for so many different beans to be together in one bowl.

  20. Well, see, now we’ve come full circle. For those are the same people who are SHOCKED, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, when they end up with a less than perfect baked bean dish.

  21. You know Rana, I’ve always preferred the slightly flawed bean dishes. They are so much more endearing.

    Yes, who wants perfection? I want a real bean dish that I can embrace whole heartedly.

  22. My point exactly!!! With perfection, comes the neverending job of maintaining said perfection – and sheesh! that looks like a lot work.

    Oh and those who SEEM perfect – alway melt down and end up in rehab anyways.

  23. I don’t think Cinnamon thought this would get as far as it did.

    Which begs the question…. Cinn, how was the Shepherd’s Pie? Since you had to settle for that in lieu of perfectly baked beans.

  24. You had SHEPARD’S cook you a pie :O

    o.k I’ll shut my yap now – off to watch the “we don’t want to air the truth even though your tax dollars fund our GIANT paychecks” show on “Crazy People and the stories they tell”!

  25. It’s too late – I was Ticked off yesterday when all the media coverage began…besides I need to know what color of hair the little dolls I am making need…you know the ones…they are pin cushion in fashion šŸ˜‰

  26. Well, my shepherd’s pie was, in fact, tasty. But it was not BAKED BEANS. Oh no it was not. I thought I might have to return the shepherd’s pie to the store, but after an investigator found all the facts about it, I decided I would keep it.

    “BUT I JUST WANTED BEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNSSSSSSS! Is that so WROOOOOOONGGG??”

    So what if my shepherd’s pie knows it was not what I really wanted? It’s what I want that counts.

  27. Cinnamon, are you telling me that you opened up that box ‘o pie without reading all the terms and conditions printed RIGHT THERE ON THE PACKAGE to be sure that you were, in fact, getting what you wanted?

    And that now you are somehow disappointed with said pie?

    You make me sick.

    (Although truly, I was ill already. It appears we are suffering from a gastrointestinal somethingorother here. And the dictator wasn’t kidding. It HURTS.)

  28. OH All I can think about is that poor Shepard’s pie because now it knows you really wanted beans – HEALTHY BEANS and nothing else!

    For the love of GAWD just love the pie!

  29. OH that is EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, you just don’t want to ADMIT the CORRUPTION that went into that PIE. I LOVE the pie, OF COURSE I love the pie, but I was expecting BEANS! HEALTHY BEANS!!

    All I wanted was BEANS!! *sobs*

  30. Wait a second! I just did extensive research and discovered that there is no record of that pie in that store at ALL.

    Where EXACTLY did this pie come from?

    And how do we know that some Shepard isn’t going to come looking for it one day and want you to return it? HUH???

  31. WHAT???? No record of the pie?? How can this be? What shall we do now? Is someone going to take the pie away???????? Will they give me BEANS instead ’cause I would totally do that!

  32. Obviously the pie was obtained by *whispers* Illegal Means!

    Someone should do a complete reform of the grocery purchasing practices. This should NOT BE TOLERATED.

    We are talking about SHEPARD’S PIE here people!! NOT CARROTS.

    We can NO LONGER bury our heads in a collective sand pit while such horrifying injustices go on!

  33. Oh PUHLEEZE. Carrots are a dollar a dozen. ANYONE can get carrots ANYWHERE at ANYTIME.

    It’s not like they are in demand.

    Grow up.

  34. THIS? Has been way more fun than I anticipated.

    Plus also, any comment section that goes past 50 without someone honestly bitching is awesome (LIKE A HOT DOG)!

  35. The muffin man has a comment to make!!!

    He says and I quote “How dare you do an interview with the BEANS in the room! How does do you think the not-so-healthy beans feels now!”

    Ladies! The muffin man has now left the building!

  36. laughing my arse off!!! šŸ˜€ Thanks ladies this is exactly what I needed to read after the last couple of days.

  37. I tell you truly, I cannot stop the sadness I have for the poor imperfect baked beans and the overlooked locally made Shepard’s Pie.

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