The Baby Diet Plan

I think that I might have discovered a weight loss plan that ALSO saves you money. It’s called the Baby Diet Plan.

Here’s what you do:

  • Bring a small baby into your family.
  • Watch her grown and learn.
  • At around 8 1/2 months, see how she learns how to SHRIEK HER HEAD OFF.
  • See how the incredible shrieking baby does NOT allow for going out to dinner or grocery shopping or visiting friends without a great deal of embarrassment and disruption to others.

Yes. We’ve come to that part of the show, the part where Stinkerbelle learns to shriek. I know that most babies go through this phase. It’s how they learn how to use their voices. Well, that’s all well and good. But I have never known a baby with as much lung power as Stinkerbelle.

Seriously. The kid has some LUNGS, man.

I mean, I myself am a fairly loud person. Or, I can be when I want to be. As can BDH. And yet, we pale in comparison to the sheer volume our daughter can muster.

I have survived no less than 5 nieces, and many of them went all shrieky around this age. But they were amateurs in comparison to the noise Her Babyness can make.

I also love going to watch games where the volume can be loud. I like to turn my music up. I like concerts and musicals on stage. I love a good, booming action flick at the theatre. And yet? They have nothing on Stinkerbelle.

I am serious. She just shrieked at me while we were in the same room together, and my ears HURT. Five minutes later, they are still feeling it. She is painfully loud.

We knew, the first time she had a real, serious crying fit that she could be loud, but we had no idea she could be THIS loud.

A long time ago, I promised myself and the world that I was not going to be one of Those Parents, who take their child out to a restaurant or similar place, where patrons are paying to enjoy themselves, only to have my child shrieking and going on and disturbing the others. I always hated parents who brought their child out and were unwilling or unable to control their child, and consequently disturbed others. I wasn’t going to be That Parent.

Well, that time has come. Up until now, taking Stinkerbelle out when we wanted to go to a restaurant was easy. She would play quietly, or have a bottle, or doze in her bucket.

No more.

The girl can shatter glass with that shriek. And there’s no telling when she’s going to whip it out. So, until that phase passes, we will be homebodies.

Some places welcome a noisy baby. I am sure we’ll do well stopping in to watch games over at the university, where yelling is expected — nay, encouraged. Going for a walk, where noise can dissipate, should be no problem.

Restaurants are out. The theatre is out. No churches or museums or funerals or weddings. Even the grocery store might be touch-and-go.

Well, that’s fine. Who needs to eat out, anyway? I could use a foolproof weight loss plan.

2 thoughts on “The Baby Diet Plan

  1. I suppose getting up and slinking out of the restaurant (leaving The Shrieker behind until she calms down) is out of the question …I must go back and reread my parenting books – they probably frown upon that sort of thing.

  2. I know! Crazy, isn’t it? πŸ˜‰

    It’s not like with cats, either. When the kids are noisy you can’t just put ’em in the basement and shut the door, like I would with my cats. I mean, right now she’s happily bouncing around and shrieking like a cheerful little banshee, and I am sure she could do that just as easily downstairs. But NOOOOOO…

    Le sigh. Oh well. Guess we have to play by the rules on this whole “parenting” gig… πŸ˜‰

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