There’s just so much to learn in this whole Mommy gig.
- A person can survive on very little sleep. One cannot guarantee the mood an adult will be in when sleep deprived in the middle of the night. But you can almost guarantee that a baby, awake at 3:45, is WIDE AWAKE, happy as Larry, and thinking “PLAYTIME!!”
- Children should go into production. Seriously. They’re like OVERACHIEVERS in the production department. They’d make a FORTUNE. My daughter eats only a little cereal each day, maybe a couple of tablespoons of strained vegetables, and yet she can poop her weight. Girlfriend poops like a trucker, man. WHERE does it all COME from? I mean, I understand the whole “lots of pee” thing, given she has a near-liquid diet. But so much poop? And the gas she produces could power a small banana republic. And don’t even get me started on the neck cheese.
- I have started feeding my child vegetables. She seems to like them. I feed her sweet potatoes? All is well. I feed her squash? All is well. I feed her carrots? She POOPS ORANGE.Â I don’t get it.
- My daughter has a habit of waving her hands and tapping them repeatedly on her face or chest or whatever. I thought she was just flailing away with her hands. Turns out all that flailing is actually sign language. She’s doing the signs for “eat”, “mommy”, and “milk” perfectly. Of course, she doesn’t actually KNOW sign language. And she doesn’t actually do the signs at any specific time, that I can tell. But STILL. The kid’s GIFTED.
- We have lived with an old kitty with an old lady bladder for years now. And she peed everywhere for a time, when she was sick. So we got used to our house smelling like pee. (Thank goodness those days are over *knocks wood*)Â Cat pee is a very strong, unpleasant smell, like ammonia. But that PALES in comparison to the stench that permeates the house from just one big poop-o-rama from my kid.
- Shoes for the under-2 set are merely a sock-keeping-on device.
- If my child starts doing the horizontal Riverdance, she’s happy about something. If the horizontal Riverdance is accompanied by baby panting, it’s excitement. And if she starts that with the “huh-huh-huh-huh” chant, she’s gearing up for a big old mad. And you have to be quick sometimes to catch the progression through all the stages. The child can go from zero to sixty in a split second, and it’s like an air raid siren going off until you appease Her Babyness.
- Nothing is more fun than hearing your child, early in the morning, in her crib, talking to her toys. The conversations we overhear, especially now that she’s just learning to use her voice and make sounds, are fantastic. There have been a couple of times where BDH and I have just opened the door a crack, and stood there and listened as she talks with her pals, shoulders shaking in silent laughter. In Ethiopia, they have the most delightful phrase for that — they say, “She’s playing with St. Mary”. We think it’s a gorgeous phrase, and we love to listen to our daughter playing with St. Mary.
- I thought this whole motherhood thing was going to be great. Sure I knew there would be some frustration, and it would be tiring, but mostly, I thought it was going to be fun, and an adventure every day. I know now that I had absolutely no idea. It’s like A BILLION TIMES THAT. I am LOVING it, all the fun, all the tired, all the poop talk. It’s AWESOME. Like about a BILLION hotdogs. And it’s all down to this happy, funny, gorgeous, incredible child.