I can’t sit still today.
I am physically unable to sit still. For I have tweaked my back once again (Damn you, L3 and L4! Damn you and your facet joints to hell!) and so sitting for any period of time in any sort of position causes me some serious discomfort.
Come to think of it, sleeping’s no hell either.
I am starting to find my various injuries tiresome. I have lived my life for the past twenty years with these things and put up with the pain because the doctors said, “They’re not serious, they’re just aggravating. And there’s no way to fix them.” Well, surely medical science has advanced enough in twenty years to make it possible to do SOMETHING.
The question is… when?
I am not in a position, this close to bringing Mystery Baby home, to do anything about it right now. And that is a drag. If I had reached this point of frustration a long time ago perhaps I could have seen the doctors, had the treatments or surgeries, whatever — but then, there was always something to do then too, wasn’t there? Just in the last 5 years, there has been a wedding, a miscarriage, infertility treatment, medical reports, homestudy… so there was nothing that could be done for fear of delaying or even jeopardizing any of those.
And now I find myself faced with a couple of years of picking a baby up and putting her down and lifting things and pushing things and carrying things… and I worry that I won’t be able to do what I need to do sometimes. And what’s worse, I won’t be able to do what I WANT to do a lot of the time. And that makes me a little worried, and a little sad.
It’s not that I am in constant pain. There are far more good days than bad days. But there are a lot more bad days than there used to be as I get older. When my knees are bad I can’t bend them to sit or go down stairs. And a bad back day leaves me in really bad shape, with spasms and unable to move at all. So I want to do something to make it go away.
But until I can take the time to have them properly fixed, I will have to muddle through. And that means, move. I can keep moving. That’s the only thing that keeps the back pain at bay. And perhaps if I keep moving I will strengthen my knees as well.
Plus, what baby doesn’t like to get out for walks and to play in the yard and stuff like that?
I can’t sit still. It’s a good thing — at least in the short term — that a baby keeps you on the go.