Fun With Spam

I love spam. Not the potted meat product (although I am sure it is lovely for some), but the junk mail one gets in email. I find it endlessly amusing.

BDH and I, on our long drives to and from infertility appointments, and sitting and waiting in parking garages for umpteen infertility treatments and blood tests, would laugh ourselves silly reading aloud some of the insane spam we would get. It certainly helped pass the time (and the many, many emails I got offering to help enlarge my penis certainly made for a running gag on the infertility front, of course.)

Nowadays, spam forms the bulk of a continuing email dialogue between The Guilty Squid and myself, which runs from surreal to silly.

Witness.

Steak and Flattery

From: The Guilty Squid
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 8:48 AM
To: CinnamonOpus
Subject: Hmmm…

Ralph wants me to stuff my pockets with MONEY – EVERY day!!!
Lisa tells me the secret to looking 14 years younger is a better love life.
And Vic Dobner wants to give me free Omaha steaks.

Money, youth, love and good food.

Must be my lucky day.

From: CinnamonOpus
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 9:02 AM
To: The Guilty Squid
Subject: RE: Hmmm…

That Lisa? Is nothing but a FLATTERER. I tell you TRULY.

But how can one not accept the generous offer of one Vic Dobner?

From: The Guilty Squid
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 11:10 AM
To: CinnamonOpus
Subject: RE: Hmmm…

Honestly, I would like nothing more than to name someone Vic Dobner. Best. Name. EVAH.

********************

Friends vs Stalkers

From: CinnamonOpus
Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2008 4:57 PM
To:
The Guilty Squid
Subject: Thank doG for Sidney Jennings

Because I got an email from him saying “Relax. Take a deep breath. We have the answers you seek.”

I just feel SO MUCH BETTER now.

And, I mean, why would I NOT trust Sidney Jennings? Has he ever lied to me before? Oh, I think NOT.

From: The Guilty Squid
Sent: Friday, April 25, 2008 10:31 AM
To: CinnamonOpus
Subject: Re: Thank doG for Sidney Jennings

Nicole Costner is BASTARD people, I tell you truly.

She just asked me, “Kelly, What’s wrong with your face?”

Bitch.

From: CinnamonOpus
Sent: Friday, April 25, 2008 11:08 AM
To: The Guilty Squid
Subject: RE: Thank doG for Sidney Jennings

Whoa. That’s the second time she’s lipped off at you.

Stalker.

********************

Insults and Unusual Offers

From: The Guilty Squid
Sent: Monday, April 28, 2008 8:53 AM
To: CinnamonOpus
Subject: I must look as bad as I feel

I’ve had a terrible head cold this weekend.

To top it off, what do I see in my inbox this morning?

Steve wants to know (Steve, you ‘member, member? You ‘member. He was so NICE to me last week.) how I like carrying “THAT MUCH CELLULITE”.

And Tami Hohn wants to know why I have “Body Drama.”

Truly, I’m hating these people today.

From: CinnamonOpus
Sent: Monday, April 28, 2008 11:17 AM
To: The Guilty Squid
Subject: RE: I must look as bad as I feel

Oh that’s no good. They’re all ganging up on you, hitting you when you are down! The BASTARDS.

But I guess “body drama” is better than “body trauma”. I think they’re all just jealous; your body is DRAMATIC. Theirs is ORDINARY.

And, at least they’re not offering you a “herbal solution to bigger manmeat”. I don’t even know what that MEANS.

********************

Rude Spam or Charity Drive?

From: CinnamonOpus
Sent: Tuesday, April 29, 2008 11:30 AM
To: The Guilty Squid
Subject: Is this suddenly an epidemic?

Joe Bell emailed me to say “Help Stop Premature Ejaculation!” And I am concerned – is this now a widespread problem? An epidemic? Is this a foundation that needs my support? Will telethons be happening? Will there soon be commercials with men with big teary eyes saying “This is Larry. He’s quick off the gun. With your help – for just pennies a day – you can give him the sex life he deserves. Help Larry smile again. Give now. Give generously.”

I live in fear.

From: The Guilty Squid
Sent: Tuesday, April 29, 2008 1:03 PM
To: CinnamonOpus
Subject: Re: Is this suddenly an epidemic?

I fear the pamphlets with the cartoon mascot drawn gaily upon the front.

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