Knowledge — Good and Not So Good

Knowledge – The Good

I’m sorry, I can’t write much today. I am planning on being very busy. Using my DISHWASHER. *insert heavenly choir here*

After spending the best $100 I’ve spent in years, $8 of which was a part that I now know how to fix myself, my DISHWASHER. IT RUNS. IT WORKS.

I spent the evening saying nice things to it and apologizing for bad-mouthing it for years. And running a load of dishes. (Just one. I didn’t want to push my luck.)

The service call was the best money I’ve spent in awhile. The problem was exactly what I learned about when I researched it online and in repair manuals and whatnot. It’s one of the most common problems with this sort of dishwasher. Only at that time, I did not know what to look for or how to fix it. So this terrific repairman showed me exactly how to see if the part needed changing and how to change the part. And for an $8 part, next time it happens I can fix it myself.

All I wanted was to know how to fix it, and now I do. Well, that’s not entirely true — I also wanted to have the damn thing work again. But that sort of comes after knowing how to fix it.

And now I do. And I am happy.



Knowledge – The Not So Good (well, today, anyway…)

We found out last night that we have a new adoption caseworker. Our uncommunicative former caseworker has left our agency, and we have a new one. And in the space of 24 hours, we have received at least 4 emails, most of them chock full of information. (I know. You’re marvelling, aren’t you. We got COMMUNICATION. From our AGENCY.)

Anyway, BDH was so chuffed, he called and introduced himself to our caseworker, who he says is very nice.

And in the course of the conversation, he has learned that we are — and I don’t know the exact phrase, but I will give you the gist of it — “near the top of the pile” of families waiting for referrals.

So this is good news, yes?

Well, you’d think so. But to me, today, the words “near the top of the pile” meant “more waiting”.

I have been hoping we were AT THE TOP of the pile for some time now. Not NEAR, but actually AT. We’re well and truly past the projected wait time for our referral, by almost a month. So I was anticipating a “YOU’RE NEXT”.

Of course it does not work that way. There’s no way of knowing when Mystery Baby will be in an orphanage, cleared to be adopted, and it will be decided that we are to be His (or Her) Parents and he is to be Our Child.

But we have been waiting so long to have a child, to grow our family. That ALMOST is not close enough. Almost means we are waiting more.

And I lost the plot, as they say. I had a bit of a meltdown.

For the last little while, BDH has been frustrated and despairing of ever seeing a child in our lives. I’ve been the one who has been patient and joking about the realities of waiting. But today the tables turned, and while he was full of optimism after his chat with our new caseworker, I burst into tears of frustration.

Not “now”, like I had hoped. More waiting.

It has been 5 years since we began trying to have a family. It has been 5 years of waiting and frustration. And I was just not ready to think about Waiting. One. Moment. More.

What was predicted to be a 9 month process when we signed on to adopt is turning into a two year odyssey. And I am tired. It is hard to keep putting your dreams on hold for another week, another month, another year. It is hard to maintain enthusiasm and optimism and patience.

So I had a meltdown.

I know it is silly and unreasonable. But I am tired. Waiting is trying.

So although it is a bit of very good news, it does not feel that way today. I’ll have a good cry, and get it out of my system. And I’ll have perspective again tomorrow.

5 thoughts on “Knowledge — Good and Not So Good

  1. Let it out girl!!! I find that a glass of wine (or any liquor of choice) goes really well with a good cry.
    And I am in total agreeance with the “near”, “soon”, “any day now”, blah blah blah blah blah is more aggravating than comforting. I don’t want to hear anything other than “TODAY”.
    And to think that once this wait is over, we have to start a new one… least we will have some sweet little faces to stare at during the next wait.
    My fingers are crossed for you!

  2. Oooh. A glass of wine. Now THAT sounds lovely.

    You’ve been waiting much longer than I have, and with much more grace and aplomb, and so I tip my hat to you. (And possibly, if I have some wine tonight? Drink a big toast as well.)

  3. I think a tip of the hat (glass, whatever works) goes to all families waiting and waiting. I cannot say that I understand. I have been blessed to have two little nieces for BDH and Cinn, so I have never had to undergo the stress, strain, pain, anticipation, joy, frustration, everything that you all have had to endure (mind you there are 9 years between the girls that we waited and gave up trying, but it is not the same thing, I know). But I can say that my heart aches for you and will swell with complete and utter joy when the day comes your waiting is over. That will certainly be good news indeed. I raise a glass and toast with complete respect to your ability to keep on truckin’ even when you just want to quit.

  4. You are not being silly and unreasonable. You have every right to feel frustrated. The one good thing is that now you have a new case worker to keep you in the loop (and a working dishwasher!).

    I think the waiting is what Hell is suppose to be like, all this waiting is just like being in limbo. Hearing that it is soon or near the top, is just like sugar coating Hell (I saw that on 2 1/2 Men tonight, I just had to use it!). I’ve got my fingers crossed that your soon will become today. I will uncork a bottle tomorrow and help drown some of your sorrows for you.


  5. You know, when we signed up for this thing – we just didn’t know. Didn’t have a sweet clue how hard this would be, this waiting with no end in sight. And peope who haven’t experienced it just can’t know how incredibly nerve-wracking and draining it is….

    I’ve had my share of meltdowns – I understand. Even strong women like us can’t wait forever without a little crumble every now and then 🙂

    Now, as for “near the top of the pile”… dude! That is GOOD! That is sooner than later. That means an end of the referal wait is in sight. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I think you should allow yourself to feel the optomism. It’s ok – this WILL happen!

    Hugs >

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