Knowledge – The Good
I’m sorry, I can’t write much today. I am planning on being very busy. Using my DISHWASHER. *insert heavenly choir here*
After spending the best $100 I’ve spent in years, $8 of which was a part that I now know how to fix myself, my DISHWASHER. IT RUNS. IT WORKS.
I spent the evening saying nice things to it and apologizing for bad-mouthing it for years. And running a load of dishes. (Just one. I didn’t want to push my luck.)
The service call was the best money I’ve spent in awhile. The problem was exactly what I learned about when I researched it online and in repair manuals and whatnot. It’s one of the most common problems with this sort of dishwasher. Only at that time, I did not know what to look for or how to fix it. So this terrific repairman showed me exactly how to see if the part needed changing and how to change the part. And for an $8 part, next time it happens I can fix it myself.
All I wanted was to know how to fix it, and now I do. Well, that’s not entirely true — I also wanted to have the damn thing work again. But that sort of comes after knowing how to fix it.
And now I do. And I am happy.
Knowledge – The Not So Good (well, today, anyway…)
We found out last night that we have a new adoption caseworker. Our uncommunicative former caseworker has left our agency, and we have a new one. And in the space of 24 hours, we have received at least 4 emails, most of them chock full of information. (I know. You’re marvelling, aren’t you. We got COMMUNICATION. From our AGENCY.)
Anyway, BDH was so chuffed, he called and introduced himself to our caseworker, who he says is very nice.
And in the course of the conversation, he has learned that we are — and I don’t know the exact phrase, but I will give you the gist of it — “near the top of the pile” of families waiting for referrals.
So this is good news, yes?
Well, you’d think so. But to me, today, the words “near the top of the pile” meant “more waiting”.
I have been hoping we were AT THE TOP of the pile for some time now. Not NEAR, but actually AT. We’re well and truly past the projected wait time for our referral, by almost a month. So I was anticipating a “YOU’RE NEXT”.
Of course it does not work that way. There’s no way of knowing when Mystery Baby will be in an orphanage, cleared to be adopted, and it will be decided that we are to be His (or Her) Parents and he is to be Our Child.
But we have been waiting so long to have a child, to grow our family. That ALMOST is not close enough. Almost means we are waiting more.
And I lost the plot, as they say. I had a bit of a meltdown.
For the last little while, BDH has been frustrated and despairing of ever seeing a child in our lives. I’ve been the one who has been patient and joking about the realities of waiting. But today the tables turned, and while he was full of optimism after his chat with our new caseworker, I burst into tears of frustration.
Not “now”, like I had hoped. More waiting.
It has been 5 years since we began trying to have a family. It has been 5 years of waiting and frustration. And I was just not ready to think about Waiting. One. Moment. More.
What was predicted to be a 9 month process when we signed on to adopt is turning into a two year odyssey. And I am tired. It is hard to keep putting your dreams on hold for another week, another month, another year. It is hard to maintain enthusiasm and optimism and patience.
So I had a meltdown.
I know it is silly and unreasonable. But I am tired. Waiting is trying.
So although it is a bit of very good news, it does not feel that way today. I’ll have a good cry, and get it out of my system. And I’ll have perspective again tomorrow.