And now, dear friends, I bring you a scientific study.
In every social situation, every home and community and workplace and society, you have certain power dynamics at play. Certain entities of a society, for example, are in charge, while others’ lot in life is to serve. Some lead, others follow. Some have the wealth, others toil in abject poverty. And generally speaking, how much power you have is indicative of your place in the social strata.
It is no different here at The House of Peevish.
And so, I sat down to examine the power dynamics here. And the results were fascinating. So I have listed below, from highest to lowest, where the real power lies in our household.
1. The Water Softener — I have come to terms with the fact that we are slaves to our water softener. When it is running well, we are lulled into a sense of well-being and peace. Our life is calm. And then, the salt runs out, or it is in need of a regeneration cycle, and suddenly, our world is thrown into chaos. Dishes are dirty! Toilet bowls fill with discoloured water! Showers are lacking suds! Oh, the humanity! And we are at the water softener’s mercy: Can you get more salt? Will this many bags sate its hunger? How many regens must I run until all is well again? I pore over each dish as it comes out of the dishwasher… “NOW will it be CLEAN? Are the soft-water gods SMILING on me today?”
2. The Air Conditioner — There are two chubby people living in this house: one who would be comfortable sleeping in a meat locker, and by that I mean he can only sleep in sub-zero temperatures, and the other who moans incessantly about humidity and breaks a sweat 2 minutes after she begins getting ready to go anywhere. We’d curl up and rock and weep if ever we were without air conditioning for any extended period of time. Bunch of pansies.
3. Opus — We’re not kidding anyone. We know she’s in charge. SHE owns US. If she so much as wheezes or looks at us funny, we’re all scrambling to get her to a vet and fussing over her. She spends our money with abandon. She has specially ordered food. We feed her like clockwork. She yells at us for every little thing. We suspect she uses our credit cards, shops online, and may be plotting world domination when we’re not around. We have debt equal to the GNP of some small banana republics, thanks to her. And yet? We love her.
4. Cinnamon — Second in the cat pecking order, she just recently entered “middle age” for a kitty — she’s 9 years old. And so, with that change in status, she’s looking to supplant The Bubby in due course. Right now, she’s a bundle of nerves and neuroses — but she’s crazy like a fox, that one. Because no one makes the Little Fraidy Cat do anything she doesn’t want to do “for fear of upsetting her”. Well, that and she’s just so darn cute.
5. Lucy — Low man on the cat totem pole, Lucy rules with a crazed fist. Beguiling and charming and playful, she gets what she wants through sheer force of cute. Either that, or she just sits on you and purrs.
6. Computers — Duh. We have 6 or 7. When we’re not using them to play games, do work or watch Doctor Who, we’re listening to music on them or chatting with friends. We love what they can help us do, all their toys and gadgets. We get endless hours of entertainment from them. And if one of them goes bust, it’s a major pulaver until it’s fixed again. I don’t know what people did before there were personal computers, I really don’t. I vaguely remember something about “going out” and “doing things”. Crazy talk.
7. The Internet — See item #6.
8. The Refrigerator — We love to eat. We love cold tasty beverages. ‘Nuff said.
9. BDH — Ranks higher because he can fix most of the items above, and what he can’t fix, he can play with better than…
10. Me — Thankfully, I squeak into the top ten by virtue of my ability to open cans and my Yoda-like use of Teh Internet. Also? I cuddle well, and make excellent baked goods.