How To Be A Bad Bastardy (Cat) Mummy

Read at your own peril!

  1. Pretend there is nothing going on, like it is just a normal morning.
  2. Spell everything, especially the words “V-E-T”, “C-A-R-R-I-E-R” and “C-A-R”.
  3. Cuddle your cat, not because you love her, but as a clever ruse to distract her.
  4. When she is lulled into a false sense of security, stick her unceremoniously and against her will into *gasp* A CARRIER.
  5. Laugh and talk normally, as though there were not two poor unfortunate cats in your foyer BEING TORTURED — I mean, sitting in carriers.
  6. Take the carriers and put them in A CAR.
  7. Turn the car ON, and make it MOVE.
  8. Don’t take the carriers with their unfortunate feline cargo out of the car until they are at THAT PLACE and have no means of escape (buses not being an option, because they don’t have any money with them in the carriers).
  9. Take the poor unfortunate souls into a TORTURE CHAMBER. And for added insult, call it an “exam room”.
  10. Weigh your cat. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
  11. Comment on her weight.
  12. Allow the Evil Doctor to perform HIDEOUS TORTURES on your cat. High on the suffering scale would be: listening to her heartbeat with a stethoscope, taking her temperature, and the supreme torture of all, CUTTING HER NAILS.
  13. Let the Evil Doctor perform unimaginable medical experimentation on your cat, such as GIVING HER NEEDLES and DOING BLOOD TESTS.
  14. Take your time chatting with the staff under the ruse of “consultation” and “paying for the visit”.
  15. DON’T buy food or treats on the way out.
  16. Put the cat back in the CAR.
  17. Take your time making the car move back home.
  18. Sing while you go home, like there’s nothing wrong.
  19. Take your time with unnecessary tasks like “parking” and “turning off the car”.
  20. Do not rush to let your cat out of the carrier the instant it touches the floor in the foyer.

I know. Tough stuff to read. Not for the squeamish.

Now you know THE HORROR that my poor Lucy and Cinnamon have to endure on A YEARLY BASIS. *gasp!*

(They’re fine, BTW. Clean bill of health for both.)

6 thoughts on “How To Be A Bad Bastardy (Cat) Mummy

  1. You bastard mommy…I guess this could apply to the bastard daddy who assisted in the matter. Glad the girlies are well…You failed to mention the bubby who undoubtedly complained about not being allowed to go on the road trip.

  2. There’s been endless bathing since they got home… they have to get rid of THAT SMELL.

    And Bubby has been providing running commentary and/or sympathy burbles at her sisters since their unfortunate incarceration.

  3. Pursuant the the above: How To Torture a Sgustus Cat

    1. Tell him he’s an indoor cat.
    2. Go outside without him.
    3. Refuse to stop the wind from making the house sound funny.
    4. Provide him with the split-second he needs to make it to the porch and FREEDOM.
    5. Refuse to stop the wind outside, too.
    6. Laugh at his discomfort.

    I’m glad the girls are well, though. Even if you were terrible meeeeeeeeen to them.

  4. Well our little boy (Oreo) just decided last night to bring his outdoor toys in to play for the first time. Mommy spent the next half hour running around trying to broom the offending present out the door again with Mr.”Pleased that his present brought so much joy” sat in the kitchen watching the above noted commedy with much satisfaction. Needless to say, the darn toy wore me out and, as far as I know, is still shaking in its little paws under the washing machine. Outdoor cats are such thoughtful creatures aren’t they.

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