Adoption Journey — Day 129
I have nothing new to report. Still waiting on the Japanese Consulate, still waiting on some medical stuff for BDH, still waiting for the homestudy report to be completed.
I’m okay with waiting, in this particular circumstance anyway. Normally, I am not a terribly patient person, but with this I am okay so far. Some people freak out when they have to wait, and complain and agonize over every little hiccup. I’ve seen on websites and blogs how people get all bent out of shape by delays and waiting, trying to micromanage the process and making endless calls and emails in an attempt to speed things up. Maybe that’s just their way of dealing. But we’re not like that, yet. That’s not to say that we won’t have those times too. But right now, it’s cool.
Perhaps the endless waiting and patience required with the infertility treatment process has trained us well. Maybe it’s the ease of knowing that, in all likelihood, there will be a child waiting for us at the end of all this, whereas in infertility treatment, it’s a total crap shoot. Those waits, those ups and downs, were agonizing. Horrible, emotional, frustrating times. (Times, you’ll recall, filled with much baking.) But now, with this, we know there’s something to wait for. We know it will, most likely, have a happy ending. So it’s okay.
What is still hard for me, what will continue to be hard, I know, is the pregnancies. All around me are women who are pregnant, and it sends pangs of sadness through me. I regret never knowing what it was like, never feeling a baby’s kick, never being fussed over like a new mom, never having had the same experiences as most other women my age. I sometimes feel like I have missed out on so much. I still sometimes feel how unfair it has all been. But those times pass, and they are fewer and farther between than they once were.
We are told as adoptive parents to embrace this wait time as our “pregnancy”. I struggle with that concept sometimes. It is not the same, and we are not treated the same, and we don’t feel the same. We don’t have a constant physical reminder of our soon-to-be child, to sing to and to talk to and to take care of and love. We don’t have anything but a paper trail. And having been pregnant and miscarried, and having tried infertility treatments and failed so many times, hope and anticipation are very, very hard to come by. So you just… don’t. You don’t get all excited and carried away.
But there are some things we do as we would if we were pregnant, and it helps pass the time. We prepare, tentatively, buying the odd thing here and there — clothing, diapers, supplies. We talk, ever so briefly, about names. We have a lot of paperwork, of course, and that makes time fly by. And, as we get closer and we know it really will happen, we’ll step up the preparations, and paint the nursery, and set up the furniture, and buy all the things we need.
Mostly, though, right now, life just goes on and we live it. We don’t get wrapped up in the baby stuff. We don’t watch the calendar about the adoption stuff. We just live from day to day. It’s out of our hands, out of our control, and we just have to trust that everyone is doing their jobs properly.
We have time and we take time to breathe, knowing that in the end, our patience and hard work will be rewarded.