Adoption Journey — Day 70
Last night was our first visit with our adoption practitioners who will be doing our home study. I think it went pretty well. Well, except for the fact that we talked their ears off. But that’s not surprising, is it?
I have to admit I am finding the home study process a bit daunting. So much is weighing on “passing” the home study, that I am nervous about so many things. I don’t want to screw it up, so I don’t want to say or do or be the wrong thing. And I suppose that is what has me on pins and needles.
That’s not to say our adoption practitioners have anything to do with that nervousness. Oh no. In fact, they are lovely and warm and friendly. From the moment we arrived we were put at our ease. So that part bodes well for the process, because there are a lot of questions to be asked and answered, and it will be so much easier in a friendly environment. And a lot of the process is intensely personal, and so if we were not comfortable with our social workers, it would be excruciating.
But there is something stressful about having someone else decide your fate. It’s especially hard when it’s a decision about something you want so badly. I am afraid I will say something wrong, or our decisions will be wrong, or my house will not be clean enough or child-proofed enough, or our finances will not be good enough. I know that the decision is based on everything all together, because nobody is perfect, but you still want to do everything just right. You don’t want to jeopardize your chances. Our social workers were really good about saying there’s little “right” or “wrong” — it’s all sorts of factors put together that they base their decision on. But still, I worry.
We’ve been denied the chance to have biological children, which has hurt so badly and has been so hard. To be denied the chance to have any children in our family through adoption would just be crushing. It would be heartbreaking. And so, the tendency is to try to be perfect.
All we can do is be who we are, and hope that who we are is good enough. Because we cannot be any more or less than that.