I couldn’t get to sleep last night.
I hate that — when you’re so tired you’re yawning constantly, yet you cannot get to sleep. Rolling around in bed, and you can’t get comfortable. Finishing an entire book in an attempt to make yourself sleepy.
I think about so many things when I cannot sleep. That makes it even worse. Instead of relaxing into a nice restful sleep, your mind first starts churning over the fact that you cannot sleep and then moves on to other topics to keep you awake. Odd topics. Random topics.
I thought about a house I really like, and how one day I would like to have a house that has certain things. Stackable, front-loading washer and dryer. Heated floors. A big wood fireplace. A lovely big shower. A clawfoot tub I can lie down in. A wraparound porch. Lots of big windows. A view of the water. Looks like I had better make a LOT of money to afford such things. And how I had better get writing in earnest in the new year.
I thought about the book I had just read, The Glass Castle. I debated whether the parents of the author were just “free spirits” as they were described, or if they were actually mentally ill. I tried not to dislike them, which was really hard. I decided I didn’t like them one bit, and that they were both nuts.
I thought of a boy I used to see from Manitoba. I was 18 or 19 when I met him; I think he was 23. He lived in Winnipeg and I lived in Ontario so it wasn’t a serious thing. But he played volleyball and was handsome and could jump higher than anyone I’d ever seen. I thought he was a hottie. But as I got older he seemed to me to be more of a dork, and I wasn’t as interested as I once was.
I thought about Cinnamon and Lucy and how they are doing at home. I worry that they are lonely. I know the cat sitters are probably giving them lots of food and love and the girls are probably doing just fine. But I miss them. I will miss them on Christmas morning when they usually tunnel and play in the wrapping paper. And I will miss Opus too because she loves the wrapping paper. But we get daily updates on her so I know she’s doing okay.
I thought about how hard it has been to see babies this Christmas. How this is this first Christmas I really have to admit defeat and realize that Christmas for us will likely never involve Santa and excited kids opening presents and all the magic of the season. How painful it is to see babies and know I’ll never have one. How hard it is to keep from crying my eyes out this holiday season.
I thought about how incredibly stuffed I have been. I have been indulging in the treats and goodies of the holidays a little too much. I have been drinking way more wine than I ever do normally. It’s been nice, but oh, I am paying for it. Pepto Bismol is my friend. And after the holidays, I’m going to have to watch my diet and get back to exercising each day. Ugh.
I thought about the blogs I have to write, and how I probably should just get up and write them, since I was thinking about them anyway. And that’s what finally put me to sleep.