Well, it wasn’t fantastic news, but it wasn’t terrible either.
Today’s blood test was preceded by a great deal of fretting. My estrogen levels were way low on Monday — 92 when they should have been between 500 and 900 — and so we thought it was another dud cycle. Since we had the drugs, Pat encouraged us to go for a few more days and see what happens. So, having faithfully done our 3 shots a day, we trooped to a hotel last night across the street from the lab. All the driving is exhausting, so we thought we’d try to get a good night’s rest, and maybe unwind a bit, before this morning’s test.
Neither of us got much sleep. And neither of us felt relaxed or unwound. I think the phrase “pins and needles” came up more than once while waiting for today’s result.
So, when the phone rang, I was dreading the worst. And it wasn’t the worst.
My estrogen level was at 269 today. Still not great, but hey, it is rising. If it had been below 200, we would have put the brakes on and stopped the cycle, but as it stands, we’re going to try to push through for a few more days. It could mean a few things. Best case scenario, it could mean that I am just responding slowly because of my extended time on Cyclen, and so it just means we’re going to have a very long cycle. I can cope with that. As long as we get at least 5 follicles and can proceed, I can cope with a long cycle. Not-so-best-case scenario, we only have one or two follicles. If that’s the case, we can’t proceed with IVF. But if we have a couple of follicles, we’ll ask and see if we can switch to IUI. I don’t know if that is a possibility, but we will ask. No use in wasting them. Worst case scenario, we have a couple of duds like last time, or no follicles at all, and we call it all off. If that happens, we have some serious decisions to make. We can’t get back in cycle again, if we can even afford to at all, until after Christmas, which means I will be over 40. And we all know the risks with that, but it may be a risk we decide to take. If not, then we cut bait and say we are done, and think about other options like adoption. Or a nice long vacation, which looks good from the vantage point of two long, tiring years at this.
So as it stands now, we’re still going for it. This evening, we will add in yet another drug to the protocol, and we push on to Friday morning, where we have another blood test and an ultrasound to see what, if anything, is happening with these Bastard Diva Ovaries. It’s hard to be optimistic. At this point, both BDH and I don’t dare hope for anything because it will be just too hard to have the rug yanked out from under us again. I am puffy and uncomfortable; in particular, the spots where my hips meet my legs are uncomfortable, right where I fold when I go to sit, as things get more swollen and squishy. And with every needle I get more and more sensitive, which is really fucking annoying. I know there are women who go through so much worse than this, and here I am whining about a couple of little needles. I have to suck it up, and stop complaining. I promised BDH that if we got a good blood test today, I would rest for the next two weeks, as he has been nagging at me to do for months, and I would also stop complaining. If we can get through this cycle, I won’t complain, I will do as I am told, and I will just be grateful. If we can make it through to pregnancy, I will not complain. I will be grateful. Every pain, every sick feeling, everything — I will just be glad to have made it.
But first things first: some decent follicles on Friday. Five or more would be ideal. So everyone, get out your fertility dolls, light your candles, dance around the room hurling fucksparkles a-plenty hither and yon — do whatever you have to do do help me get 5 or more decent follicles on Friday. I’ll owe you one, I promise.