Day Forty-Two: Not Looking Good

Well, it was inevitable: Things are screwed up. My body is rebelling.

We went to the clinic today to do our blood test. Another early morning, another two hour drive for a five-minute blood test, and another two hour drive back. Basically this test was to determine what my levels are and how things are progressing. And, apparently, things are not progressing too well.

At this stage, my estrogen levels should be between 500 and 900. They were at 92. So I am not responding to the drugs. Again. So my case nurse, Pat, said we have two choices: we can pack it in, or we can try for a couple more days and see if the estrogen levels come up.

I was a little stunned. How could I fail yet again? How could another cycle go wrong? So I asked Pat what SHE thought I should do. And she said, I should go for it. They’ve seen it happen a few times before that someone stays suppressed from the birth control pills a little longer than normal, but then their estrogen begins to rise, just a little later. It can happen. And since I’ve bought and paid for all the drugs already, Pat said she thought I had nothing to lose by trying to go for it. So we will. Another two days of the injections, and then we’ll go in for blood tests again on Wednesday. After that, we’ll make some decisions.

So Wednesday looms on the horizon. I am dreading those test results, because knowing how badly all this has gone for us, I have a very hard time being optimistic. I was pretty upset today, but with Wednesday comes the prospect that maybe, perhaps, we will never have kids. And I just don’t know if I am ready to admit that to myself yet.

I am great with kids. Kids love me. I “get” kids. The thought of never having any seems so unfair. But it is a very real, very likely possibility. And it hurts a lot. Seeing people abuse and murder their own children, seeing celebrities parachuting into impoverished countries to “adopt” (read: BUY) children, seeing kids unsupervised and neglected and ignored — and here, two people who can and would make good parents cannot, even with all medical science has to offer, manage to have even one child that they would surely love and cherish more than anything in this world. It is one of life’s real cruelties. And it’s one that I wish I could watch from afar. But it’s not. It’s real. It’s happening. And it’s heartbreaking.

6 thoughts on “Day Forty-Two: Not Looking Good

  1. Cinn…I don’t know what to say. I hope Wednesday brings you good news. I’m thinking of you and my heart is breaking for you. Take care.

  2. Cinn, I don’t know what to say. My heart bleeds for you both. Here’s hoping Wed. the 18th (BDH’s birthday) brings you good luck and better news. Love ya both. Waiting with bated breath for your results.

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