Starting Over. Again. For Real This Time. I Think.

I decided this morning that it was time to push myself a little. I needed to make a change and needed to do something to motivate myself. And so, I joined Weight Watchers Online.

I have been struggling with my weight ever since I stopped playing volleyball competitively — so, for about 10 years or so. It’s been hard — for years, I was able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, because my body just burned the fuel so efficiently. But then I took a job that had me travelling for 5 years, and I did not get the workout every day that I once did. Now, I still am as hungry as I ever was, and the fuel just doesn’t get burned off because I am no longer crazy active and fit. Plus, I live with a man who has a huge appetite. He loves to eat. He eats a lot, and often. And I have no willpower, because I love to eat too, and so I eat right along with him.

Being overweight hurts. Mentally, spiritually, physically. My joints hurt. It hurts to climb stairs or play with the neighbourhood kids or sit down on the floor. My self-image hurts. My self-confidence hurts. I am ashamed of who I am and how I look. I don’t like to go out anymore because I feel fat or my clothes don’t fit well or, worst of all, I might see someone I knew before I was overweight. I hate, absolutely despise, pathologically fear, anyone getting a picture of me because of how I look. It’s draining. It’s exhausting. It’s hard to dislike yourself so much. So I need a change.

I miss a lot of things about being fit — wearing cute clothes, feeling attractive, running, jumping. God, how I miss jumping.

You have to understand, when you are a volleyball player, jumping is a big, big part of your game. You jump hundreds of times in a day, sometimes thousands of times. And jumping was the one thing I did better than almost all my teammates or competitors. I jumped very, very high. Some people have dreams about flying — I dream about jumping really high in the air. I dream about hitting that point at the top of a jump where most people begin to come back down, only I never did — I just went higher. That delicious, weightless moment of hang time where you are suspended in air like magic. I just leap, and pause.

I miss dreaming about jumping.

So, I decided to do something to motivate myself to get some of that positive feeling back. Weight Watchers Online just gives me a place to track my progress, make myself accountable for what I eat and the exercise I do every day. I am anonymous, which really helps deal with the shame I feel about being overweight. No one knows what I weigh or what I eat or any of that. I feel motivated to eat better because I know I will have to keep track of it. I don’t have to mess with meetings or books or anything. I just log on, keep track of things, and go. If I need to, there’s a forum where I can make posts and meet others and talk about stuff.

It works really well for me. I did it a couple of years ago when I was getting married and had a dress to fit into and people were going to take pictures of me. I had the motivation and the energy and it was fun. So I am doing it again.

Why now? Well, for one thing, if I plan on getting pregnant, it would be nice to shed a few pounds first, so I am not starting from a disadvantage health-wise. I want to build a better baby. Second, if I DO ever have kids, I want there to be some record of me, that I existed, that I was real — and my fear of having pictures taken doesn’t help that. So I want to feel better about myself so I can have some pictures of me. But mostly, I just want to like myself again. I want to like how I look and feel good about myself and not hurt all the time.

And I want to dream about jumping again.