At Sea

Yesterday we went for our first ultrasound of our IVF cycle. And, as it turns out, our last.

We were very optimistic going into this appointment. I was feeling good, and we were hopeful for a good result. The ideal result is to find 10-15 follicles. We found 2. One ready to go at 1.9 cm, and one growing at 1.2 cm. There were 3 duds. An absolute blowout. A bomb. A complete, utter failure. There was some explanation of what went wrong, some talk of what it looks like happened and what we can do next time, and blah blah blah excuse excuse excuse. I barely heard any of it. I was in shock. And so, my IVF was cancelled. Like that. With a recommendation to “go home and try some timed intercourse”, the REI equivalent of “Just relax”. I was stunned. All the money, all the energy and time and stress, for NOTHING. I was devastated.

What went wrong? We got the money to pay for everything, and BDH was sweating blood getting that for us, but he did it. BDH got the time from work to attend appointments. I took all the meds. I followed all instructions. What the fuck went wrong?

One thing that makes me so angry is that they seem to ignore us every cycle when we bring to their attention that my cycle is shorter than the average. I need to start things sooner. I need to get a jump on these drug protocols and procedures. We are always coming in AFTER things have started. And yet, we bring it up, and they ignore it. We bring it up every time, and they ignore it every time. And I think that directly affected this screw up.

We started the nasal spray agonist on day 22 of my last cycle, which on a normal woman should be in plenty of time to suppress any new follicles growing for next cycle. But not me. I have a short cycle, remember? I believe I should have started that agonist a week earlier. And so, two follicles had already started by the time I took the agonist and so all it did was suppress more follicles from growing. Then, when I started taking my FSH at $450 per day, all THAT did was pump the drug directly into the follicles that were already started. So now I have two follicles full of VERY expensive fluid and nothing we can do with them.

One thing that REALLY, REALLY pissed me off is this new little silly doctor telling us that the first cycle of IVF is diagnostic, and so they try a drug protocol and then change it as needed. EXCUSE ME, Mister Newbie Doctor Guy? We have just rearranged our lives for this, are going into huge debt, and you people are NOT 100% SURE of what you’re doing? You’re flushing our money down the drain? If you are going to do this to us, spend our money and our time and get our hopes up yet again, then you better be absofuckinglutely sure of what you’re doing, man. I was enraged.

So now, we are left with nothing. We have spent money for nothing. I feel I was mismanaged. We can probably afford another shot at it. BDH does not want to give up. But I am so very, very upset.

I am angry, and disappointed, and frustrated. My heart hurts from the disappointment and the loss. I should have known better than to have gotten my hopes up. I know better than to dare to hope. I know better. I got caught up in the possibilities that this might finally have worked for us. And this is what happens when you allow yourself to dream. I am paying for it now, financially and emotionally.